resiliency

13 Jul

I’ve read articles that a quality of mentally strong individuals is resiliency.  To be able to look hardships in the face and move beyond them.  Bounce back if you will…

Resiliency is a tough quality to employ when you suffer from depression.  Remember in the early days of cartoons, the coyote would try to light a fuse on fire to release the anvil that would fall on the head of the road runner at just the right moment?  Then the fuse would die out and the coyote would run back and relight it.  This may have happened one or two more times until finally the fuse would catch rather suddenly and BOOM right in the coyote’s face!

This is as good of a description as any when it comes to trying to embody resiliency with depression.  I’m not saying I’m always living on the edge of a deep depression but it’s there.  It’s a slippery slope and I’m very aware of this.  Recently, there have been several bumps in the road and it is definitely testing me.  Like the stupid coyote, when each thing happens, it lights the fuse.  At this point, I’m working hard to NOT allow the big BOOM to happen and get sucked down into the dark side.

 Oh, hello. I'm depression. You were probably expecting me. (Sandra Ranja illustration.)


Oh, hello. I’m depression. You were probably expecting me. (Sandra Ranja illustration.)

I will absolutely admit, last year’s major bout of depression was one of the worst I’ve every experienced.  I don’t feel it’s on that level again.  Instead I feel on the brink of, “wow, my life sucks right now and I don’t see how it can get better”.  Part of the issue is that the hits are coming from all aspects of my life.  There isn’t any one area where I can feel confident and hang my hat on, “well at least this is going well”.

Most of the mini-crises  are happening on the personal realm, however, running is also being affected.  Is it the end of the world?  Of course not.  Do I know I can get better?  I’m almost positive I can.  But it’s annoying and frustrating so it adds to the chipping away of my resiliency.

Recently, I read two things I liked.  The first one is a buzzfeed list of what it’s like to have depression:

The next one is a meme I saw:

01ce92aad8f0dcc4415e5bbd09e475e2What I’ve decided is to go ahead and wallow in the craptastic life happenings right now.  I’m just going to accept it.  Oh and I’m going to lower my expectations.  I am going to give doing one thing different every day (or as close to this as possible) a shot.  And like George Costanza, I’m going to go against my instincts when it comes time to make decisions.  I don’t believe this is going to make things any better but maybe it will make things less difficult?  Or more interesting?

Let it be known, this post isn’t intended to garner any, “you’re great!” comments.  As I’ve mentioned before, I think it’s important for me to get more comfortable with talking about my depression.  I worked so hard for so long to ignore it and this certainly made things worse.

What do you do when you are faced with several hard knocks at once?

How do you boost your resiliency?

amazing boob slings

9 Jul

Last week a co-worker told me Lane Bryant was having a rockin’ sale on bras.  Buy two and you get two free.  I’ve never shopped at Lane Bryant but my co-worker said the band size starts at 36 so a win for me.

the current state of my favorite bras

Here’s the thing, in my previous experience, when purchasing bras for larger breasties, they were not so cute.  Black, white and beige are typically the colors of choice and even those aren’t too fancy.  I’ve also been trying to buy some at Target but so far my luck has been sub par.  I headed out to Victoria Secret a few months  back and while I found some cute ones the support piece was a little iffy.  Oh and there was quite a bit of spill-over, which at times made me feel harlet-esque.

that was money down the drain

On Saturday night I checked out the website and was pleasantly surprised by the selection – they were pretty!  I ran out there on Sunday with my ATM card in hand.  I was ready.  Once there I started loading up on a variety of over the shoulder boulder holders.  I wasn’t exactly sure what size I would be so I grabbed a large number.  I asked for a dressing room and the lady there noticed.  “When was the last time you were sized?”  Me: “umm…”  She jumped right on it and fitted I was.

Have you ever noticed how you are different sizes in different stores?  I find this very annoying.  I mean they are mathematical measurements!  Or maybe it’s just that each store’s product fits differently?  Man, this is so frustrating.  Anyway, she helped me pick some out and then explained that different styles maybe need different sizes.  Okay…  I went in not feeling very optimistic.  I tried the first on and the first words out of my mouth were:

MY BOOBS LOOK FANTASTIC!

Yes, I did yell this rather loudly.  I’m not exaggerating – who knew the whole “lift and separate” was the real deal?  The salesperson came in and agreed with me.  She helped with some minor tweaks but other than I stumbled upon brassiere GOLD.

I tried on a few other styles and found three that worked really well for me.  Funny side note, two of the three were the same size and the third fit well but had to be a cup size smaller – shenanigans friends.  Just goes to show how important it is to try on each one you are thinking about buying.

So the moral of the story?  When purchasing your under lovelies, set aside some quality time to spend at the store and even change up the stores.  I was there for a little while and tried on quite a few items.  Try on different styles – don’t just try on one and think that same size will fit in all styles.  Stand in the dressing room and admire your perky bosom in all of its glory.  Take notice how the when you put your old fun bag contraption on that the new ones definitely give your knockers some SPUNK!  Lastly, the next day when I wore said new torture device boob sling, I couldn’t believe how different I felt.  My posture was better.  I felt more confident.  I looked thinner.  I felt more supported.  There wasn’t massive amounts of embarrassing jiggling.  So freakin’ worth it.

run camp – week 2

6 Jul

Happy 4th everyone!  I hope you all had a great weekend.

Suffice to say, after my first day of run camp last week I wasn’t sure I was going back.  Sure, I laid down $120 smackers for it but it was so HARD.  Ugh.  Swimming through humidity and trying not to be an utter failure certainly takes a lot of energy.  Then there was the whole running part…

Nevertheless, I got a text the night before from one of my supporters to have a good run in the morning.  This meant, I HAD to get out of the bed and go for it – despite feeling intimidated by the group and nervous about the 8 miles.  Waking up wasn’t as horrendous as it was the week before and when I walked out the door it was 58*.  It was already a better start to the week.

When I got to the meeting point (10 mins early – clone Amy strikes again!) I told my team leaders I had gone out too fast last week and I brought my garmin with me to better track my pace.  I let them know not to worry when I fell behind.  One of the team leaders said they were going to keep it at 11:30-12 since last week we were doing 10:45 min miles, which was too fast.  Thank goodness…

With the cooler temps and slower/accurate paces, I felt much better all around.  I met a woman who has a ton of spunk and chatted with me for the whole four miles out and 1/2 the way back.  The course was very hilly and I questioned my ability to handle the way back.  I shook the doubt though and kept powering through.  The first four miles were all 11:50.  On the way back it was fairly close to this I think, although I had to walk two or three times and had to flat out pause at one point.  Still better than I thought I would do and I had two different mantras in my brain:  “I am good enough” (to be running with this crew) and “Detroit 26″.  Both really helped out with my motivation and determination.

Rewind a bit to Friday morning, I set out for 5 miles and could not slog through it.  I ran a bit of it but really I walked it.  Of course this made me dread the following day’s 8 miles even more – especially since I could only suffer through 4 miles!  Thankfully, I read a brief article the night before on juice cleanses and the recommended work out routine is walking.  It dawned on me that I just didn’t have enough fuel in the tank to give me enough energy.  Since it was the 4th and all, I had dinner with friends (and ate food!)  and I definitely feel this contributed to me having a more solid long run on Saturday.

I *might* be trying to convince myself I’m not as out of running shape as I really am!

Jason Vale talks about how he has trained for a few marathons while juicing and while I lamented about how I couldn’t do it but Jason could, office mate pointed out Jason Vale has been doing this for a long time.  His body might just be better at processing the nutrients and using them for longer and more intense work outs.  This made me feel better and also made me realize that doing a 28 day juice cleanse while beginning marathon training wasn’t one of my brighter ideas.

All in all, now feeling much more self-assured about this run camp experiment has also made it more enjoyable.  Next week we make the rather large jump to 11 miles – yeah, not sure why and I’m still considering knocking it down to 10 miles.  Turns out I’m so much better about being assertive as to what my body needs than I ever realized.  On the flip side, I must keep in mind I am more capable than I give myself credit for.

Enjoy your Sunday!

red pill or the blue pill?

3 Jul

These came in the mail today!

yay! new compression sleeves!

yay! new compression sleeves!

I took advantage of their 1/2 off sale and grabbed the two sets of calf sleeves I’ve been ogling for the last year and half.  Now I can sport my Irish roots AND rock some polka dots.  I LOVE me some polka dots.

For some reason, summer encourages me to spend money.  I don’t know why.  I realized this the other day when I not only purchased the above but also super cute red stripped new Sketchers.  I’m kind of obsessed with Sketchers (I think these are really cute too!) at the moment because I can wear them for work and they are comfortable and supportive.  The other day I wore heels for the first time in MONTHS.  While darling, I realized why I haven’t worn them in so long.  Supportive and comfy shoes certainly have their perks, even if they don’t uplift my buns in quite the same fashion!

Alas, now it’s time to put the kabash on the summer spending.  It was fun while it lasted…  This morning I woke up in a panic.  I couldn’t believe I missed a race.  It’s the Firecracker 5 miler (more on this later) and it’s such a fun race.  I was so disappointed in myself.

Then I realized, “hey!  It’s not the 4th of July yet!  That’s tomorrow!  You didn’t miss it!”  I also realized I had to be at work in less than an hour and the dimmer switch was hit on said excitement.  By the way – NO ONE is at work the day before the 4th of July.

Today is some serious prime running weather and I am determined to get my buns out there.  I’ve been so freakin’ lazy lately.  I don’t know why!  My procrastination is in high gear for no reason.  It hit me that yesterday was my last possible “lazy day”.  Otherwise, I am going to be in so much pain.  Remember when I spoke of the aggressive marathon training schedule a.k.a. run camp?  This might be part of why I’m procrastinating – I don’t feel like I can get any better and just want to put this training off so I don’t have to face failure.

Brilliant plan, no?

Ho-hum… I did join Jess’s summer challenge running plan so maybe this will offer a bit of inspiration, too?  This morning, I kept thinking, “I used to be SO motivated.  I used to just get out there or get up and JUST DO IT!  Where did all of that go?!”  I’m still not sure where it went but I’m guessing it’s largely habitual.  Maybe my earlier athletic self was all a facade… I took the blue pill and then somewhere along the line I decided the red pill was more me.

oh morphius, which one is the MOTIVATED pill?

In order not to end this on a really whiny note, here is a picture of my super fat and adorable cat, Simon

GIANT cat

GIANT cat

 

a juicy meltdown

1 Jul

I had a post all written for yesterday that included talking about how I often have “delayed long run hunger”.  This is just what it sounds like – I’m typically not terribly hungry the day after a longer run but the day after that?  Oh baby!  I am one starvin’ marvin.  So, yeah, that post is hanging out in my drafts.

Why?  Because yesterday  I felt ill.  I had a dizzy spell in the morning and forgot that these can make me feel really nauseous.  I went into work and hung in there until noon and then I went home.  I was donezo.  Now, as I was laying on my couch, I need to be honest, I didn’t want ANY MORE DAMN JUICE.  Seriously.  I was over it.

What did I want?  I don’t even know.  Actually, when I was feeling really sick I wanted some eggs and toast.  That sounded the best.  Instead. I made a juice and it wasn’t bad but it didn’t squash (ha! a food pun for the win!) the feeling that I wanted to eat.  I wasn’t hungry.  Nope… simply feeling very emotional.

One of the blog posts I read about a woman juicing said she had a day when it all seemed like too much.  When I read it, I thought this was silly and couldn’t imagine a time when I would be crying because of the cleanse.  It didn’t make any sense to me.  But I am here to tell you folks, it’s true.  I desperately wanted to comfort feed these emotions because in my mind, whatever food was calling to me (Chipotle if you are wondering) would CERTAINLY make me feel better!  Or maybe even pizza?  What about a sandwich or some fries?

See where I am going with this?  I needed an intervention, stat.  I texted office mate and asked him to assure me that siren’s call to emotionally eat were all lies.  He obliged:

textThankfully this helped calm me from the crap-eating ledge.  I know it sounds silly and now I am making light of it a bit but it was real.  I was crying.  I was also immersed in movies surrounding the theme of “hey we are in our 30′s and our lives are f-ed up!” – not my best choice.  When I talked with office mate today he said it’s all part of it and that he went through it some time in the middle as well.  Again… reassuring that I’m not a lunatic and a juicing meltdown is totally normal.

thanks honey boo boo

The other negative part was I decided to weigh myself yesterday.  I wore a dress earlier in the day and someone took a picture.  I didn’t quite look as svelte as I originally thought – surely the scale won’t lie?!  Well, that was a mistake.  The weight loss wasn’t any different from the first week.  “Why am I even doing this?!” ran rampant through my mind, also fueling the meltdown.  It’s suggested not to weigh in because the weight is going to fluctuate so much.  Sure enough, this morning I was three pounds lighter than I was yesterday.

So, I am still juicing.  It was a close call.  I think the third week is like mile 18 or 20 of a marathon.  Or mile 7 or 8 of a half.  I feel I am so close to finishing but it is going to take so much more  freakin’ effort to get there.  I told myself, “you only have one more Monday after this,” it helped.  Onward juicing soldiers…

run camp – day 1

29 Jun

Yesterday was my first day of run camp.  I’ve been both dreading and looking forward to my first day.  Run camp officially started last weekend but since I was doing the Charlevoix 1/2,  yesterday was my day.

My alarm went off at 6 am and I hit snooze until 6:08 and then laid there until 6:11 am.  I have some strong support for this venture and I didn’t want to disappoint them.  Nevertheless, I absolutely seriously considered not going and here are my reasons:

1.  What if no one likes me?!  My social anxiety was in high gear.  I didn’t exactly know where to go from the parking garage, I was on my own and I simply felt out of place.  I know I’m a real runner, however, I was certainly intimidated.  I hate feeling lost.  I found my way though and people did talk to me!

2.  The requirement was you had to be able to run at least 4 miles.  In my mind, this meant we would start at 4 miles.  Uh… no… on the docket  were 7 miles and this was the low intensity schedule.  I could run the 4 without walking but after that it would be a crap shoot.  I was taken by surprise by this.  The training plan isn’t fooling around.  I talked to a few people after the run and some were saying they didn’t feel they could keep up with the aggressive requirements.  At least I wasn’t the only one feeling this way.

3.  What if I was too slow?!  I was very worried about lagging behind.  My pace group is the 11:30-12 min and I figured this would be the best fit for me.  It would have been had my pace leaders not kicked us off with under 11 min miles!  I’m not exaggerating – mile 3 was 10:57.  While I was pleased I could hit this (especially in the stifling humidity) I knew this was going to haunt me on my way back.  And it did.  I had to walk a few times because I was beat.  Probably mostly in my head.  I told one of my pace leaders that I was just too slow and she said, “well, we are hustling a bit”.  I’m hoping we adjust a bit next week.

4.  Marathon training has officially started.  This might be one of the scariest reasons of all.

this was essentially how I felt when i finished

So, I will go back next weekend.  8 miles are up for grabs and I’m determined not to let it beat me.  The heat and humidity aren’t going to stop anytime soon so I need to dress accordingly and accept it.  There is also a track workout (insert some nervousness) on Tuesday and I’ll follow the weekly mileage requirements.

Right now, I don’t want to disappoint my “cheerleaders”.  In a couple of weeks I know this will shift to not wanting to disappoint myself.  Here I go!

juice me – the perks

27 Jun

Here are the perks!

*Some of the juice recipes are really good!  There is an app for the program so it’s fairly easy.  It costs $15.00 and it’s essentially a recipe book of juice drinks.  Even when this is over, I will utilize it.  Also, there are coaching videos and explanations of why I’m doing what I’m doing.

*I was certain this whole thing was going to cost me a chunk of change.  There were some start-up costs, a masticating juicer ($150), some hemp protein powder ($13) and fruits and veggies.  I purchased a few other items at the grocery store when I bought the fruits and veggies so in my mind it felt like this was spendy.  WAIT!  I went out to buy the fruits and veggies for the next 5 days or so and it was $30.  Whaaat?  Yeah, so it’s not as expensive as I anticipated.

*I like to think I’m practically main lining vitamins.  Scary enough, I’m getting more veggies and fruits in a single day than I got in a week prior to beginning this program.  By a long shot.

*I’ve figured out a much better system of making drinks by making my breakfast blend the night before.  The lunch and snack blends are the same so I can make these at the same time as well.  I’m seriously considering making both the breakfast and dinner blends at the same time the night before since these are typically the same as well.  I made two to take with me this past weekend and drank one on Saturday and one on Sunday – they both lasted.

*I lost 6 lbs last week.  I’m not supposed to weigh myself but let’s face it, I needed the motivation.  Yes, I know it’s water weight but it’s keeping me going.

*I’m compromising the plan to fit my needs a little bit.  I’m finding ways to incorporate coffee into my mornings.  I went without it the first day and the next day it felt like my skull was separating from my brain.  I’ll let you know if any of my “recipes” turn out decent.  So far it’s been trial and error and I’ve resorted to McDonald’s more than I’d like to admit.

*There are a few food extras you can take advantage of, although you aren’t supposed to make it a regular thing.  Well, as you can probably guess, I have.  I’ve kept in a Kind bar and sometimes replaced a mid-afternoon blend with this.  I think I’m missing the point a bit…

*Now, you may think I’m exaggerating or maybe you might think it’s a placebo effect BUT I’ve felt a small decrease in my anxiety and tummy troubles.  I didn’t go into this thinking it would help the anxiety piece and it didn’t dawn on me until Friday while I was driving up to my race.  I looked back at my week at work and realized it had been a good week.  Sure, there were times when I got anxious about a big project happening this week but overall I didn’t feel that strong pull of agitation that gets me all worked up.  I’m REALLY hoping this IS a reality as maybe it will help with some of my social angst too.

Truth be told, it IS harder than I anticipated.  I’ve come to the conclusion that office mate’s version of “not too bad” is on a different spectrum than mine.  It’s probably better I didn’t realize this before I started as I would have chickened out for sure.  As it was, my mind flip-flopped dozens of times.

I asked office mate what happens when the 28 days are over – what is the transition?  He told me he hasn’t watched that video yet as it doesn’t show up until the week 4 coaching video.  He is a determined and disciplined bloke so he is following the “rules”.  The Jason Vale program, Super Juice Me! has a 7 day detox along with a 14 day one.  Then the heavyweight champ, the 28 day cleanse.

I will continue to write about this off and on – I searched for blogs about juicing but didn’t find many.  Maybe I need to try find different key words.  I’m certainly open to questions or any experiences others have had!  I’m really happy I decided to give this a shot.  It’s been worth it!

 

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