I wrote this yesterday!
Oh great scott – how is it only Wednesday?! For the last two days first year students and their families took over campus. It’s a really exciting time and I would greet it with open arms if it weren’t for the month of training that happens prior. At this point I greeted them with limp-y arms and a big smile. That’s what exhaustion looks like:
When I was hanging out with friends on Saturday, one of them remarked how I seem much happier than I have in a long time. It was so nice to hear. I am feeling happier! The stress (rashes, teeth grinding, eating) isn’t pleasant but it doesn’t always denote unhappiness. For at least the last year however, the stress and unhappiness have gone hand in hand. Which of course, created more stress, more unhappiness and more anxiety.
I’ve been feeling happier for a little over a month now. Honestly, this feels kind of odd to talk about but it’s true. I bounce back from grumpy moods faster, don’t descend into “pits of dispair” and no longer consider getting out of bed to be my biggest accomplishment of the day. Yay!
The interesting thing about being happier is realizing a) how unhappy I was b) that there was something I could do about it and c) that some of my current behavior is habitual.
a) My unhappiness was deep. It was one of those where even when I was having happy moments it couldn’t out-feel the sadness inside. A lot of it had to do with my mom and healing/time have played a role in this journey of “recovery”.
b) I didn’t know my epilepsy meds were effecting me so much. Now that I am 6 months into the med switch, I’ve noticed a HUGE difference! Being on the old meds, along with my own brain chemicals (depression/anxiety) were a combo that I couldn’t fight.
c) So yay! Happier! Now, I need to get back to routines I had before that were uplifting. As I started drowning the following started happening – afternoon (2 hour naps) everyday, calling in sick for work due to depression and sickness, avoiding friends, increased anxiety, staying up really late, watching endless hours of tv, poor eating habits, no energy to run – there are more but I can’t think of them. The problem is, some of these have become habitual. I need to break up with the bad habits and now that I’m feeling better I’m working to make it happen.
I like feeling happier. I got used to feeling crappy so I am not even sure what to do with myself. It’s like when I had gallstones. I was sick for a year and half and would get gallbladder attacks (seriously, I thought my body would explode) every couple of months. I assumed the-always-sick feeling was just me. After the surgery, I felt AMAZING! I didn’t even know I could feel that good. It’s like that now.
I do think my personality/person has been changed on a permanent level. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I am more introverted and more accepting of myself. I can admit I have anxiety and ADD. And I’m learning to work with all of these. It’s kind of liberating and I am happy I am making changes in myself because I want to and not because someone else wants me too. Hmm – that’s good. I’m going to put that on a pillow!