Yesterday and Tuesday made me rethink the whole “getting out of bed” thing.
Tuesday morning – I experienced a fairly intense panic attack. Once I talked myself down and my chest no longer felt as tight and I could breathe again, I carried on with the day. Nevertheless, the fierce panic stayed with me. I have no idea why.
Wednesday – I was crabby all day. I was still anxious but beyond this I was just grumpy… and felt like I was being judged and not passing muster. Two fun sized bags of peanut butter m & m’s later, I wasn’t any happier. I knew it was time for a run.
There I was – READY. Ready to pound out the anxiety swirling around in my tummy and the frustration building in my head. I quickly changed after I got home from work, picked a movie on my kindle and fired up the treadmill.
Two miles later I was sucking wind and didn’t have the heart or the gusto to run any further. I decided at least I could do some ab work right? After some push ups, some butterfly sit-ups and a couple of planks I just laid on the floor. Totally defeated.
As I was laying there I realized two things: 1) I needed to vacuum. 2) It’s one bad run and I can try again tomorrow. Dopey is getting closer and I can tell I’m putting all of this pressure on myself. So if one run is tough then this means my races will be horrible. Deep breaths Aim. I can make this happen, I know I can. I also know I need to be hitting some quality mileage – not only for my legs/lungs but for my confidence. It probably helps to remember I’ve been training for months now – months… as in PLURAL! This is a huge step for me! For my first 25k I might have trained for 4 weeks. The race wasn’t pleasant but I finished. Actually training is a whole new world for me!
I got up off the floor and vacuumed. Next I did some dishes, got my coffee ready for the morning and ate some dinner. I had to go back to work for an hour and by the time I got home my spirit was a little brighter.
Runners everywhere talk about having a bad run. We know they happen and on some level I think we even expect them from time to time so this isn’t anything new to me. But when they happen it seems to shake my resolve and I question why I ever thought I could run X distance in the first place. Clearly, I’m a bit on an extremist!
So back at it again today. Maybe it will be another challenging run where I will wonder why I ever decided to become a runner or maybe it will be the type of run where it feels like you are flying. Whichever it is, I still have the next day to try again. And maybe I will let it sink in that a bad run is still A RUN and hold onto that piece a little tighter.