embrace the bad run… or at least side-hug it

Yesterday and Tuesday made me rethink the whole “getting out of bed” thing.

Tuesday morning – I experienced a fairly intense panic attack.  Once I talked myself down and my chest no longer felt as tight and I could breathe again, I carried on with the day.  Nevertheless, the fierce panic stayed with me.  I have no idea why.

buzzfeed’s 26 problems only anxious people will understand

Wednesday – I was crabby all day.  I was still anxious but beyond this I was just grumpy… and felt like I was being judged and not passing muster.  Two fun sized bags of peanut butter m & m’s later, I wasn’t any happier.  I knew it was time for a run.

There I was – READY.  Ready to pound out the anxiety swirling around in my tummy and the frustration building in my head.  I quickly changed after I got home from work, picked a movie on my kindle and fired up the treadmill.

I expected it to go like this

It didn’t.

Two miles later I was sucking wind and didn’t have the heart or the gusto to run any further.  I decided at least I could do some ab work right?  After some push ups, some butterfly  sit-ups and a couple of planks I just laid on the floor.  Totally defeated.

As I was laying there I realized two things:  1)  I needed to vacuum.  2)  It’s one bad run and I can try again tomorrow.  Dopey is getting closer and I can tell I’m putting all of this pressure on myself.  So if one run is tough then this means my races will be horrible.  Deep breaths Aim.  I can make this happen, I know I can.  I also know I need to be hitting some quality mileage – not only for my legs/lungs but for my confidence.  It probably helps to remember I’ve been training for months now – months… as in PLURAL!  This is a huge step for me!  For my first 25k I might have trained for 4 weeks.  The race wasn’t pleasant but I finished.  Actually training is a whole new world for me!

I got up off the floor and vacuumed.  Next I did some dishes, got my coffee ready for the morning and ate some dinner.  I had to go back to work for an hour and by the time I got home my spirit was a little brighter.

Runners everywhere talk about having a bad run.  We know they happen and on some level I think we even expect them from time to time so this isn’t anything new to me.  But when they happen it seems to shake my resolve and I question why I ever thought I could run X distance in the first place.  Clearly, I’m a bit on an extremist!

So back at it again today.  Maybe it will be another challenging run where I will wonder why I ever decided to become a runner or maybe it will be the type of run where it feels like you are flying.  Whichever it is, I still have the next day to try again.  And maybe I will let it sink in that a bad run is still A RUN and hold onto that piece a little tighter.

Deep, eh?

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