me = ass

So there were two different posts rattling around in my brain.  I decided to go right ahead with the ol’ karma hates me post.  I think it’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote one of these.  Seriously, doesn’t it seem like some individuals totally get bypassed by her?  Well, don’t you worry, I’m one of the chosen ones.  If being visited by karma, never feel alone – I’m positive I am right there with you.

I’m sure this is what karma looks like

Now, I should first admit a couple of things.  I’m an ass.  Not all of the time, but this week I was.  I didn’t even really mean to be said ass but it happened.  I made some pretty decent mistakes & instead of karma allowing me to slink off into a corner to lick my wounds I got an audience.

no wait! I want to be put in a corner!

Me = Ass:  One major work error where all of my higher up bosses got to be privy to my mistake. One personal mistake, which while may not have the biggest audience, makes me feel worse than the work one did.  And then there were the smaller work & personal ass-ish things that came into play off and on all week.  So, I’m not saying that I don’t deserve karma’s attention but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish she would lose my digits.  Pretty please?!
While I was all retail-therapying it up in Target yesterday (you see, I already hit Yankee Candle and Old Navy online earlier in the week), I realized I have to learn to simply brush the shit away.  It’s true.  I promise you, I’m going to think about how I messed up – how I misread ppl & how I could’ve/should’ve done just a few minor things differently & this whole week would have been different.  Even though what’s ailing me at the moment isn’t actual shit (they are important things), I can’t change what happened.  My proclivity toward rehashing my mistakes & rehashing & then rehashing them again, sure isn’t changing the situations.  Those are said and done.  I’m great at accepting responsibility mind you, rather I need to work on the whole concept of damage control (not target) & then moving on.  I don’t have much confidence in my ability to do this at this moment…

I will admit, I made a rookie mistake & went against my cardinal rule of “never say it can’t get any worse”.  Last week I lamented about what a doozy of a week it was and while I don’t think I actually said it I sure as hell implied it.  The universe spoke up with a rousing rendition of “OH YEAH?!”  A challenging week has ensued & my only hope for the rest of these days are some personal victories – ones that have eluded me so far: only drinking one coffee per day, not scavenging for chocolate in the mid-afternoon when I’m clutching at my sanity for dear life, crossing all of my I’s & T’s (um-apparently i’s need crossing now), not oversleeping & not letting the !#*%^ tears fall.  Or maybe if I accomplished even a couple of these it could at least be considered a draw.
It’s not really a weekend in my working world but I hope for those of you who are weekending, that it’s a good one – maybe a nap?  Maybe some holiday shopping?  Maybe hanging out with friends and family?  I will leave you with a song that I am currently OBSESSED with despite the strange video.  It kind of fits my mood right now.

Later alleges toe (<— I tried to write later alligators and this came up instead.  I like it)

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strange day of anxiety

Note:  I tried to add a bit of humor to this post so it wasn’t super whiny but those of you out there with anxiety disorders know, it’s a tough way to live.  One of my outlets is humor.  I absolutely take it seriously.

Yesterday was an anxious day.  I have no idea why.

I woke up feeling really jittery and nervous.  I did a few things around the apt and then made some coffee.  Typically, following some of these routines will help calm me down but my efforts were in vain.  It just got worse.

I couldn’t figure it out.  I didn’t have any projects due today (Monday).  In fact, two of my bigger programs I completely forgot about until early this morning.  I went to the farmer’s market on Saturday and enjoyed some sunshine AND went for a run.   So, to feel this overwhelming anxiety, on a Sunday was weird.  Which, of course, made me feel even more anxious.

I thought maybe a run would help.  And it probably would have if I had gone.  I decided to bag it though because being this nervous also gives me a jumpy stomach.  This plus running does not a happy runner make.  So, I got in the shower.  I couldn’t see very clearly as I didn’t have my contacts in when I stepped into the shower.  I thought I saw something move but wasn’t sure.

I wasn’t brave at all

I put my face down close and it was the BIGGEST bug.  Good gravy, it scared the ever-living daylights out of me.  I kept trying to splash water on it but it would keep moving away.  It scared me even more since then it could get out of the tub and find me while I was sleeping.  I got it toward the drain but it was too big to fit down there.  Finally, I grabbed my little hand held sink plunger and trapped it.  It’s still there.  I’m not trying to be cruel, honest.  But I was so sincerely freaked out by it.  I really do hate bugs and spiders inside my place and for some reason (probably given my previously established state of mind) I could not handle it.  At all.  I talked to my friend today and he said he would come take care of it for me.  I’m usually not this phobic about things like this but even when I was talking about it today with my coworkers I felt the panic well up inside me.

After this, it was all over.  Wine.  Yep, wine came to my rescue.  Along with a Netflix marathon.  I’m guessing running would have helped my strange day of anxiety better than wine but I felt too overwhelmed to even get out of the door.  I still don’t know why.  Today has been better (except for the trapped GIANT THING that I am now bathing with).  There’s my story of my day filled with anxiety.  Sometimes it really does rear its wicked head for no apparent reason.

I lost my banana…

Today is a list kind of day…

1.  The other day I put a banana in my purse and walked to work.  I have no idea where it went between my apt and my office.  I went to grab it around 11 am and it was nowhere to be found.  I will admit that I *might* have eaten it and I just don’t remember.  Monday this happened with another banana and I asked my office mate.  He confirmed consumption of said banana.  So… not sure…

I love everything about this

2.  My summer project kicked off with a bang last Friday.  Whew!  The project involves all of my administrative weaknesses.  To say it’s been a challenge is an understatement.  I woke up at 4 am Thursday morning with a major panic attack.  I had made a mistake on Wednesday and at that point I was sure everything else was wrong, too.  I was breathing through it and it started to go away and then a whole new wave of panic hit.  I put on some soft music and continued to breathe.  I saw this last night and will repeat it:

will this matterI will say, this is a GOOD challenge for me.  Even despite how much my ADD brain struggles with/hates it.

3.  I went back to my running beginnings and purchased some Asics.  I got the Nimbus to be exact and I’m fairly certain I mentioned this already.  I’ve done a few runs in them on the treadmill and I do like them.  They kind of feel a little clunky compared to the Brooks Glycerins but the cushion is nice.  And they are a pretty mermaid green (not the actual name, mistake on their part) – always helps!

ooo - shiney
ooo – shiny

The toe box is wide enough for my flipper-like feet and I’ll probably take them out and about this weekend.  I still really like the Hokas though.  Or maybe I like the idea of the Hokas?  I’m thinking I should just give shoe experimenting a rest.  I just bought some Altras (they were on sale) and I ran in them for about 5 mins on the treadmill last night.  I am not convinced these are for me.  I do LOVE the wide toe box though so I might give them another shot.  Maybe.

3b.  I emailed the Hoka customer service to see if they come in a wider width and a) they got back to me within 2 hours – nice! and b) they suggested I try the Conquest or the Bondi 3.  They suggested an exchange but I didn’t buy my shoes through them and I’ve been wearing them.  Sooo, I will need to wait on this purchase.  But the hills are once again alive with my hopes!

4.  This race is coming up so quickly!  May 10th!  EEK!

5/3 riverbank run
5/3 riverbank 25k run

5.  I’ve actually gone to bed early a few nights this week.  As in, I turned the tv off at 10 pm and maybe checked out some pinterest for a bit then SLEEP.  Strange.  Part of this has been me failing asleep on the couch.  While not ideal, it does mean I am getting a few more zzz’s so I’ll take this as a first step.

6.  Saturday is the first day off I’ve had in two weeks.  I’m elated.  Sunday I need to come back to the office so I’m especially looking forward to the island in the stream.  Nothing fancy planned – laundry, a run – the basics.  But the day will be ALL MINE.

yay!

7.  Everyone has been put out by the rain this week.  Me?  Nope – reminds of WA during early spring!  I have wimped out and ran inside on my treadmill though.  For a couple of hours I decided the treadmill is making me a wuss since I run inside when the weather is kind of crummy.  Then I realized I would likely not run at all and once again came to the conclusion my treadmill purchase was a good one.

Just some random musings, I guess.  I feel like there was something of real substance I was going to include on this list but maybe that was just my banana story and shoe update.  Oh and the panic attack – when I share about these it helps me for some reason.  Not terribly exciting but you know life isn’t always giant bundles of hula hoops and glitter.  I’m good with that.

this is what you get when you search “hula hoops and glitter”

 

goodness gracious…

Good gravy-Tuesday was a doozy.  The air was thick with anxiety!  Unfortunately, not kidding.

The morning was kind of an odd frenzy of activity in the office that seemed to breed angst.  Per my MO, I soaked up all of the stress & anxiety like a sponge.  I thought I was going to vomit at one point since this is also part of my MO when it comes to being overwrought with nerves.

it’s even a dino puking a rainbow – big win! I’m working on being positive so this sort of counts

BUT!  After I calmed down a bit (leaving for lunch can help with this) I realized something.  A few months ago I felt like this EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY!  I can’t believe it.  I mean, I recognized that I felt less shaky/panicked on the inside but somehow I pushed aside how it felt physically.  So while yesterday morning was unpleasant, I am happy at the strides I have made.  Yes, chemicals are part of the equation but so are some behavior modification & more exercise.  This feels good.

The rest of the day was busy.  I had a doctor’s appointment at 2pm & I was really proud of myself, as I got there 15 mins before my appt time.  I got to the front & said my name & appt time.  The clerk:  “umm, your appt. was at 1:15”.  Nooo!

I apologized profusely, felt like a jerk & apologized again.  They took pity on me & still fit me in between other patients.  I was very grateful.  Oh & they were kind about the whole thing as well.

I was relieved to see the end of the day.  Some quality time on the couch was necessary along with some deep breathing and meditation.  I’m not so hot on the meditation piece but I’m practicing.  Also, letting go of the stress of the day – the animal section of pinterest is always helpful with this.

so much adorableness!  this is a big year for sloths - I wonder if they realize?!
so much adorableness! this is a big year for sloths – I wonder if they realize?

some wkend oopsies

This weekend I made a few mistakes.  I shall detail them for you in hopes I can help you all avoid them in the future.  Also, I’ve included a couple of things I actually got right so I don’t sound so grumpy.

1.  Running – the oopsie:

A) Way overdressed-I was wearing long sleeves & capris.  It was about 65*.  Not a smart plan.

I bet they were as toasty as I was

B) I didn’t bring any water.  I didn’t exactly hydrate all that well during the day so this kicked me in the bum.  Speaking of lack of water, I also did a crummy job with fueling.  For some reason, I didn’t eat much prior to leaving & I was extremely hungry during the run.  By the way, I repeated the hydration mistake on Sunday too and I didn’t have to use the restroom for 10 hours.  Yeah, ridiculous, I deserve to have a crappy run.

C) You know, it would have helped if I had done some decent running during the week.  I have some excuses (of course) but really, I could’ve pushed through on some of those days and I didn’t.  Lame.

2.  Watching lots of teen angst tv – the oopsie

A)  I found a CW series on Netflix & it seriously had some drama.  But I couldn’t pull myself away.  AND there is only one season so I am going to end up disappointed!  Did that stop me?  Nope.  I haven’t quite finished the first season and I’m committed; however it fed into my feeling all emo.  Excellent – this is what I refer to as not the best life choice.

3.  Spending a holiday weekend alone – the oopsie

A)  Ok, so this isn’t an abnormal thing for me but it did make me feel kind of blue.  Needless to say, number 2 didn’t really help with this.

4.  Going to the store when feeling said blueness – the oopsie

A)  I spent $30 on incidentals.  It started with some coconut oil mousse & it blossomed from there.  Then there was this candle warmer thing that I convinced myself I should purchase since it was Easter & I needed a giftie.

What did I do well?  LAUNDRY!  Yay!  Good gravy, my laundry situation was ridiculous!  It really is such an amazing feeling of accomplishment to get it done.  I seem to forget this…  Please feel free to remind me!

Going to the grocery store!  Yes, this does contradict my previous statement but I had two prescriptions to pick up & I really wanted to put off going-like I had for the last two days.  I’m terrible about just getting it done despite it meaning I’m out of meds.  So again, an “I’m proud” moment.

Running. While Saturday’s run was fairly miserable, I did get up & do it.  There was about a mile in there that was enjoyable & so at least there is that.  Then I ran yesterday as well.  Eh…  I started out wearing my old shoes since my Hokas are giving me blisters (more in another post).  Within the first few steps I knew this was a giant mistake and went back to change.  Different shoes helped despite my blisters getting worse.  I am attempting to give myself props despite the runs being lackluster.  Oh!  I did follow some Runner”s World advice!  I read an article about hills and pace. They advised not trying to keep the same pace rather keep the same effort.  It’s difficult for sure but I could feel the difference.

I guess that’s it.  I allowed the feeling sorry for myself-sometimes I think it’s important to just feel the emotions rather than pushing them away.  I also indulged in an alcoholic beverage which may or may not have helped but whatever.  AND I picked out my outfit for this morning.  Not sure why this is noteworthy but I going with it.

With that, I will spare you any further time commitment to my angst.  I hope you had a lovely holiday wkend (if this is your thing) & the beautiful weather that seemed to descend over everyone. I’m CONVINCED we have seen the last if the snow-enjoy!

please provide advice…

On Tuesday, I had plans with friends to see another friend’s apartment.  It was so wonderful to see her and it was great to see a real life adult apartment!  Don’t get me wrong, I see myself as an adult (sort of) but she has a washer/dryer AND a dishwasher.  This just screams “I’m all grown up!”.

We were all driving together and I had a very slim running window.  It worked out considering I needed to do speed work.  I only had time for 2.5 miles and I pushed it for those 2.5.  Better than nothing, I guess.

By the way, whenever I read about runners learning to “turn their feet over faster” I understood but I didn’t know how to do this.  As I’m doing more speed work I’m learning what this means and I can feel it happening.  It’s weird though because I used to run this fast all of the time and I don’t remember it feeling this tough!  What I do remember is simply taking longer strides when I wanted to go faster.  Lately, I’m concentrating on form (taking more/shorter steps) during the faster miles since these longer steps really aggravate my hip.  Sometimes running feels way more complicated than it should!

***transition!***  For the last two weeks, I’ve been feeling out of sorts.  Some of it is certain areas of my life are not progressing the way I would like and then some body issues have been getting in the way.  None of my clothes feel like they are fitting very well and I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.  Unless I’m wearing sweatpants – then I feel much better.  The body issues are really bugging me.  I want to feel strong and confident as opposed to self-conscious.  Get this – two days I ago, I put on a pair of jeans.  They were certainly tight but I zipped/buttoned and I could have worn them.  Today?  Nope, I could barely get them over my bum and no way were they going to button.  WTF?

It’s moments like this that throw me overboard.  I understand the concept of hormonal fluctuations and my body seems prone to this phenomenon.  I also haven’t slept well the last three nights.  However, SERIOUSLY?!  I am so irked.  Not to mention, I am not sure how to get a handle on it.  It’s having an effect on me and I feel kind of ashamed for saying it.  Nevertheless, I still went out shopping yesterday.  I’m headed to a conference this weekend and there’s a hot tub.  A bathing suit.  Ugh.

hmm… I should have started the trip like this

There weren’t a ton of options and thankfully, I found one that looked decent.  Considering it wasn’t the most horrific experience like I expected made me feel a bit better.  I also found two cute dresses and a couple of shirts, all of which can be worn during any season (my new goal when I purchase clothing).  It does help me realize my perceptions of my body are much worse than the actual reality.  But the jeans incident (I tried them on right after I got home from Old Navy) kind of threw those good feelings out of the window.

Again, I hate feeling this way and I’m guessing anyone who has experienced body issues doesn’t like it either.  I’ve attempted to adopt several healthy attitudes towards these issues; acceptance – “I love my curves!”, progressive, “I’m not unhappy and want to keep working!”, determined “I’m going to overhaul everything!” and then just giving up “who cares?!”.  None of these are hitting home though… I realize since I’m feeling dissatisfied in general right now, my body is automatically a victim of my nasty internal monologue.  So how do I stop?!

Please feel free to drop some advice on me!  I need it!

 

firstworld woes

beware – whining ahead…

haha, I quote this movie all of the time!

Yesterday was a draining day.  It started out with the lovely sounds of vomit.  Simon was throwing up – on my bed.  I swear, I channeled my inner ninja and jumped out of the bed with lightning speed!  While I didn’t totally avoid a barfy comforter, I was able to manage the damage.  Oh Simon… I love ya… and then his pitiful “meww” made my heart/frustration melt.  This was at 5 am and it was an omen.  DON’T GET OUT OF THE BED FOR THE WHOLE DAY if this happens to you.  For reals.

poor little dude did not feel well.
poor little dude did not feel well.

Once I fell back to sleep (this took a while, which is very uncommon for me), I had the lovely experience of waking up incredibly late.  I ended up needing to take annual leave since I wasn’t able to get to work until 10:30 am.  *Sigh*

Okay, so these aren’t terrible problems and normally I would just laugh them off and be fine with it.  However, I ran out of one of my meds on Friday night and these are my calming meds for the anxiety beast in me.  So, little problems suddenly become LARGE problems.  Anxiety and irritability were coursing through my veins and within 10 mins of being at work, I started crying a little.  I forgot the pharmacy closed early on Saturday and Sunday so I missed the pick up.  It’s completely my fault and I definitely regretted my malfunctioning memory.  I should have worn a sign around my neck yesterday reading, “do not approach – you’ve been warned”.  Why isn’t this allowed anyway??  My poor office mate was nice enough to bear with me for a couple of hours but he didn’t return in the afternoon – I’m not surprised!  Having anxiety is the pits.

Again, the following isn’t a big deal but… I was also wearing uncomfortable undies.  Can you see a trend here?  I have this odd thing with underwear, which is a story for later.  But it’s been with me since childhood.  Why the troublesome undies?  Because my laundry mountain rivals that of Everest.  It’s embarrassing and kind of pathetic.  I need to buck up and get it done or at least wash two loads.  I think this will allow me to feel a bit more in control of my life!  I have no idea why this would be a contributing factor to my semblance of control but there you go – another look into my psyche.

oh my gosh – I’ve always thought the snuggle bear was creepy and now I will have nightmares

After work, all I wanted to do was drink run okay, who am I kidding?  I wanted a nap.  My calves were still  sore from my weekend o’ running and I’m certain it’s from training outside on hills rather than my treadmill.  I was sporting some compression socks yesterday under my work pants and this helped tremendously.  Despite my silly despair yesterday, I am proud of myself with the running.  9 miles on Saturday and 5 on Sunday – I felt accomplished considering it was chilly and my apartment was toasty warm!

I could not figure out how to refill this.  My troubles are hard, friends.

seriously, I still couldn't figure it out by the end of the work day.  It just sat there, mocking me
seriously, I still couldn’t figure it out by the end of the work day. It just sat there, mocking me

Well, this is essentially a list of woes that are miniscule when compared to real problems.  I do understand this.  One of the downfalls of having anxiety is a serious lack of perspective at times!  The logical part of my brain understands this but the rest of my brain completely panics rather than simply acknowledging it’s a lame day.  I used to be ashamed of my anxiety and depression; I thought it meant I was weak and I just needed to push through it.  Noooot quite the case.  Meds, diet, exercise and sleep all play a big role in managing it (and friends and family!).  Some days one of them (anxiety or depression) might win – like yesterday.  Good thing I have today to start over, yeah?

And to end with a silver lining!  The following came in the mail AND a coworker brought this back from WI!  Cheese and beer (well, this kind of beer) can bring one so much happiness.

my dopey shirt finally came! they didn't have any at the expo
my dopey shirt finally came! they didn’t have any at the expo

and

this is a great beer - and I'm not much of a beer drinker
this is a great beer – and I’m not much of a beer drinker