Tag Archives: anxiety

my stomach is on strike

16 Jul

For the last few weeks, my stomach has decided to take a trip down memory lane & revert to its ultra troublesome state.  This past week was the worst so far & I almost had to go home early from work on Thursday & then did have to call in sick on Friday.  I have some special meds to take when it gets bad, but they make me a little blurry, which isn’t a helpful side effect when working with patients!

I’m in the midst of a bad IBS flare up & it completely sucks.  There are some variations in the types of IBS and mine includes an epic stabby feeling inside my stomach, nausea, & bloating.  It’s quite painful & unpleasant.  Since mine is combined with an ulcer, Pepto Bismal tabs are my bestie.

AA039781

I like the taste of these now.

My diet has played a role.  Since I started working at the office, I’ve eaten more gluten than I have since I went to France for my brother’s wedding two years ago.  There are a lot of office treats & I’ve had to grab some lunch out when I’ve forgotten mine at home.  Way, way, too much for this gluten sensitive gal.  I’ve been eating way too legumes, a no-no on the approved FODMAPs list also.  Then there’s been sooooo much popcorn!  I’ve never had problems with popcorn in the past but it’s been extreme as of late.  I just finished my last 1/2 a bag of Skinny Pop & I won’t be buying any more for as long as I can hold out. This one is going to be TOUGH.

skinny-pop-logo@2x

Skinny Pop – it’s my true (addictive) love!

Next up, the stress.  Ugh.  Starting a new career is challenging and I get frustrated with myself as it feels like my progress is slow.  Money is tight – what is this rent & utilities nonsense?!  It doesn’t help that WA is in the top 10 for most expensive states to reside.  I love LuLaRoe but I’m finding it difficult to forward this income source as my business person skills don’t seem to come second nature to me.  There are some other loose ends as well, so consequently, my anxiety is playing a key role in my Pepto popping madness.  My insides are basically downing pint size shots of cortisol, or at least this is how it feels.  Bad dreams, constant fretting, and I was having at least one panic attack daily for a month.  It’s no wonder it feels like Wolverine lives in my stomach & is trying to find freedom from the confines of my stomach lining!

How-strong-is-the-acid-in-stomach-copy

I’m guessing this is why Wolverine wants out (source)

Then there is the lack of exercise.  I’m quite the couch potato.  This isn’t good on a couple of levels.  1.  The New York Marathon is in 4 months – eeeeek!  I have downloaded a 16 week training plan which looks doable for a successful finish.  But there is that whole thing of ACTUALLY GETTING OUTSIDE!  2.  I’m finding I’m quite fatigued when I get home in the evenings.  9.5 hour days are long & I just want to be in sweat pants, sitting, & zoning out in front of the tv.  Productive, eh?  My former stomach doc told me working out helps with the stomach pains, & that I have to get up even if I feel really crummy.  Of course it’s easier for him to say than for me to do.

my goal

When I was speaking with my sister about some of the above, she asked me to think about things I can control so I don’t feel so helpless.  And there are a few if I convince myself that it’s within my reach.  There is an optimistic part of me that while currently being drowned in stomach acid, is hoping feeling more in control helps calm this flare up as missing work isn’t an option and my stomach hurts!  The stomach issues are also aiding in my lackluster LuLaRoe sales since my energy levels are tapped by the time I get home.  But it means I really do need to take this control back.  I’ve already jumped back on the gluten-free train – I need it out of my system.  I’ve started down the path of dealing with my student loans dilemma, & I went for a run today.  I advertised for a couple of in-house LuLaRoe Open Houses for the week & reread my last post on motivation – turns out I can give myself decent advice.  These aren’t giant steps but they are steps nonetheless.  I mean, starting somewhere is better than not starting at all, right?

Advertisements

I love lists

31 Dec

I know it seems a little cliché to write my first post back in a million years on New Year’s Eve.  Oh well.  I’ve attempted a couple of posts in the last few days but they were all too involved.  I need to split some of this business up or you would be reading for about 10 hours!

Naturally, I have no idea where to start.  So, I’ll do a list.  I never realized how much I love lists until I started writing this blog.  Here we go:

1. I’m currently hanging out in my own place!  Yay!  I somehow got a sweet deal in an incredibly tough rental market in my home town.  I’m not kidding – it’s nuts.  Lack of availability means rent is large and in charge for so many places.  Not to mention, many places are run through renting agencies which require you to make three times your rent on a monthly basis.  Hahahahaha (this is a crazed laugh, can you tell??).  Again, I thank my lucky stars that a) I’m persistent and b) that things worked in my favor.

2. I also got an amazing deal on a set of furniture!  I love it when a plan comes together!

img_7344

Simon-cat has claimed this chair for his very own. I put a blanket over it as to limit cat hair transfer. Today is the first day I’ve sat in it – no wonder he loves it!

3. My house is right next door to my dad’s house so I was able to bootleg enough internet for my LuLaRoe business but other than that, I didn’t have access for THREE WEEKS due to connectivity problems.  I watched Twilight, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter over and over again.

4. LuLaRoe.  Since my job search has not been fruitful, LuLaRoe is my source of income.  Being my own boss and having my own business is both neato and terrifying!  As a new consultant, it takes time to build a customer base, inventory, along with revamping my business plan over and over again.  This results in waking up to panic attacks in the middle of the night!  HOWEVER, I have already met some fun people and am looking forward to continuing this journey.  Not to mention, I am enjoying this business a lot!  Although a job would be helpful!  Just keeping it truthful here.

fullsizerender-2

in this case the stress is real!

5. More LuLaRoe.  I love the clothes!  My sister had to tell me “stop shopping your inventory!”  Haha, seriously though, so many treasures!  Not to mention, when women (those are my current customers) try the clothes on the delight in their eyes is fantastic.  One woman swore off dresses many moons ago.  She put on the Carly dress and LOVED it!  First dress in forever and she bought it 10 minutes after trying it on and looking in the mirror.  It’s an amazing feeling to be a part of these moments.

6. I was doing well in the fitness realm in August, September and the first two weeks of October.  I was walking about every other day and even running!  My bum knee was responding in a positive way!  Then life took over and my routine fell by the wayside.  I will say, I ran a Turkey Trot with my sister and I was able to run a heck of a lot more of it than I thought I could.  That being said, the aforementioned anxiety and work load has led to some additional weight loss while no longer sticking to the walking/running.  I’ll get in the zone with LuLaRoe and forget to eat.  For the record, I don’t forget to eat.  Ever.  I always thought this was a silly phrase and perhaps a fake phenomenon.  Nope.  It does happen.  I’ve reached my goal weight, although I think I need to reinvigorate my walking/running since forgetting to eat isn’t the healthiest weight loss method nor one that I can count on to keep the pounds off.  I mean, I’m starting to remember to eat (a positive thing for sure).

15192667_10154710435692812_717170567478382734_n

sister dear and I taking a running break for a picture!

7. Overhauling my life has been more complicated than I ever would’ve imagined.  There will be posts on this all on their own.  While I knew it would be a tough and interesting transition, this information was processed in the practical/logical part of my brain, rather than the emotional-feely part of the brain/heart/spiritual side.  Like I said, more posts to come on this since I do enjoy processing.  Also, it was ABSOLUTELY the right choice!

img_6541

I love this quote

8. Happy New Year!  I don’t make New Year resolutions anymore.  Some of the items or goals I mentioned above are things I’ve already been working on and need to get more assertive in making them a reality.  I recognize many people see it as a fresh start but I consider to be this marker.  So, I have another month and 3 days to my “new year” and I’m going to continue to work on my goals and work through the transitions.

fullsizerender

how can I fail when I have dairy on my side?! (p.s. Buzzfeed lists are the best – they do love to put together lists of unfortunate mistakes while adding some comentary)

Off to take photos of new inventory!  My blog page is getting more traffic than my LuLaRoe page and it’s reminded me how much I love to write!  Happy New Year everyone!

 

the amy moving chronicles

30 May

First thing, I will only utilize the third person narrative in my titles for the upcoming series.  I can’t do it for entire blog post since I would feel slightly pretentious.  Just wanted to get the record straight.  Also, this is the first in what is going to be quite the series/saga, so prepare yourselves to see variations of this title for a few weeks.

A month ago, I put in my resignation.  Way back in the day, I detailed how it was time to make some major life changes.  In fact, I’ve touched on this in multiple posts but in truth turning these words into a reality was difficult.  I got sidetracked by work and my own anxiety and failed to make any real progress toward the life changes.  After the holidays, I was more committed than ever to move back to WA or OR to be closer to my family.

12495095_10154079723977812_4086355539197158901_n

seriously – who wouldn’t want to rejoin this nutty bunch!

Officemate had also been on the hunt for a change and moved away in Feb sans job, although one hovered on the horizon.  Maybe this was what gave me a touch of courage.  Or maybe it was that I was allowing too many excuses get in the way of making a final decision.  Whatever it was, I said I was going to move and started job searching.

Well, I’m still job searching.  When I realized job searching is/was more difficult from 2500 miles away than I anticipated, especially when changing fields all together, I blurted out I was moving with or without a job.  I’m certain this was a higher power taking over the wheel since I’m still not sure how these words came out of my mouth.  I’m typically more cautious than this.  Three days later I put in my resignation and picked my last of work date.  June 14th.

12494687_10100428655512993_4147561105924692077_n

pretty excited to rejoin the washingtonians

Fast forward to today and I still don’t have a job and moving day has been moved up to the 11th.  Thankfully, my fam is willing to take Simon and I in as (freeloaders) guests until I land a job, which I fully plan on it only being at the most a month.  And no, I don’t have any plans to be the family mooch, I’ll be a contributing member!  Also today, I’m taking another huge step and am (FINALLY) securing my moving apparatus.  Seriously, this is some nerve-wracking business!  I always planned on hiring a company to load up and move all of my stuff but when it comes down to the dollars and cents, apparently, I’m cheap.  Or completely naive – both on what it would cost to get back to the other side of the country and to how much work is in front of me.  But whatever, it’s done.

It’s weird what steps seem so huge to me.  The first, was making the decision in the first place.  This one is obvious.  The second was the resignation in writing, again pretty clear why this was a big deal.  But the following have sent me through a whirlwind of nerves:  picking my last day of work (it was kind of in my control), setting the date and any details for my farewell gig at work, ordering my moving contraption, selling stuff online (still need to do), trying to figure out how to transport Simon in the car… there are more.  All of these feel so final and it’s a tad overwhelming.  I really feel as though I have absolutely NO IDEA what I’m doing.  Hence the waiting until the last minute on many of these.

ba3f87ae7569f1d33109e601dd236f89

who needs sleep, amiright?!

 

So, today is a good step.  I called my dad for advice because “cubic feet this and cubic feet that” were really getting confusing and I needed some confirmation I was making sound decisions.  I even went ahead and secured my storage at a facility in WA, so at least this was a step in the right direction!  Simon has a giant “pack ‘n play” for his car travels which I’ve set out so he can get used to it, and I’ve scheduled my last hair appt with my favorite stylist <– this was important!  I still have one last doc visit to schedule, Simon needs to see the vet, visit friends, get my car fixed, because surprise! my AC doesn’t work!  Then there is that pesky packing.  I tremble a bit thinking about it.  I know I will pull it together in the end – it’s the German way.  In the meantime, I’ve got lavender/lemon essential oils going in my diffuser to ease my and Simon’s anxiety.  I swear, my little guy has picked up on it and is freaking out right along with me.  We are a pair!

945898_10100424075241893_7584243300955005834_n

we all got this shirt for Christmas – trust me, the sentiment is true.

More of the moving saga to come…

deep breath

16 Nov

Like most people, I was/am saddened by the terrorist attacks – all of them. I feel sorrow and true disgust at the horrific events that don’t seem to end.  The attacks on Paris sent my heart racing.

My brother and sister-in-law live there.  Many of my new friends and my new family live there.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  Thankfully, my brother is currently in New York but I panicked thinking of my sister-in-law and the others.  Given my propensity to think the worst (which has increased since my mom passed suddenly in 2011), I was so scared.  I’m beyond grateful my sister-in-law, family and friends overseas, are safe.

this is my SIL, Sabrina in NY with us in 2012

this is my SIL, Sabrina in NY with us in 2012

The anxiety hasn’t completely left me – I know, surprise, surprise.  I woke up today all kinds of out of sorts.  It was going to be a very packed day and it felt daunting.  I was supposed to do a PT session on my own today and this was somehow going to fit into my lunch break, in-between back to back to back meetings.  All of the stomach acid.

I made the executive decision to skip the PT session – I can still fit it in before my actual session on Wednesday.  I was able to catch up on some administrative tasks, which had been sitting on my to do list, taunting me.  I also realized I wanted some comfort food.

and some comfort memories – my dad and I in Paris this summer

Well, I realized it yesterday but I had to work so I had popcorn for dinner instead.  But tonight – tonight I wanted to feed my feelings.  I’ve been craving meat (not chicken or turkey), probably related to my iron deficiency, and I found my way to a stroganoff recipe.  How could I forget about stroganoff?!  I’ve only made it one other time in the last 12 years – crazypants!

I searched pinterest and found a recipe that satisfied my gluten-free needs.  Did you know cream of mushroom soup has wheat in it?  I wasn’t sure it would taste as good without that ol’ standby but I should’ve trusted.  The recipe I used was from Simply Recipes.  This was all homemade and business!

No pictures of my creation because stroganoff doesn’t photograph well.

Also, I ignored the salt recommendations, because I thought I was smarter?  You probably still could if you wanted to but I found I needed to add salt afterward.  I also practically doubled (or maybe more) the paprika because paprika and I are tight.

view from Sacre-Coeur in Paris

The stroganoff hit the spot.  Not only did it satisfy my taste buds but it was nice to go through the routine of cooking.  I haven’t cooked in a long time and making this bad boy was calming.  P.S. Read all of the directions before you start!  I had to scramble a bit.

Tomorrow is another filled to gills work day.  But I will have stroganoff leftovers waiting for me at the end of the day.

My thoughts continue to be with the victims of all of the attacks of this last week and previous ones.  I have so many dear memories from the two weeks I spent in France this summer celebrating my brother’s wedding and it hurts my heart to think of all of this devastation.

bird legs and feet are the best

6 Nov

The other day I was walking across campus and I saw these adorable little bird footprints in the cement.  “Awww, so cute!”  I talk to myself out loud, regardless of my location.

I absolutely adore little bird feet and legs!

Suddenly the image popped in my head of a bird mafia.  What if this poor bird was forced to walk through the cement by the mafia bird thugs so then he/she would have some “cement shoes”?!  Poor little birdie.  Then I decided he/she is happily sporting some schmancy new kicks and all of the other birds are jealous.  A much happier and more likely scenario.

Tuesday morning, I started having a panic attack.  I haven’t had one in a couple of months and it took me by complete surprise.  I was in a meeting so I couldn’t excuse myself but I was able to use the tapping technique on the side of my palm to help manage it, without calling attention to my distress.  Below is a video of one of my favorite tutorials.  My hypnotherapist introduced it to me to the technique and I watched this when I was first learning.

With the tapping technique you are supposed to hit a couple of acupuncture points, however even simply tapping the side of my palm under the table help to ward off the worst of it.  I strongly recommend looking into it if you have moments of panic.  It isn’t just for people with anxiety either.

Long ago, I mentioned I was doing the Run the Edge 2,015 miles in 2015 challenge.

2,015 miles in 2015

a lofty goal for sure!

I didn’t decide to do it until mid January, so I stared out behind.  I should have calculated the miles per day much earlier so even when I was hitting decent mileage, I was still behind. I started getting irked with myself because I knew making the deadline was iffy but I already ordered the medal.  Cue GUILT.  Earlier this week the challenge organizers sent an email that medals were being mailed and mind is already on its way.  They talked about even if you haven’t met the goal and won’t, if the challenge made you even slightly more cognizant of your movement then it was a success.  It was such a refreshing message!  Since tracking my miles, I’ve walked a lot more and have hit goals I wouldn’t have.  Sometimes, I overstressed about it but in October, I let it be.  I won’t make it.  However, I am proud of the work I put into it.  Before, I considered myself mildly active.  Once I started tracking and using my Misfit Shine, I was plumb shocked at how little I would move around.  There were some days, weekends mostly, where I would barely reach .5 miles, FOR THE ENTIRE DAY!  EEK!  I don’t have kids or a significant other so I am free to do my own thing, which has good and bad results.  Not moving much is one of the negatives.  When I see this happening, it makes me get off of my tushy and do something about it.  The challenge is/was worth it.

2,016 in 2016

Yep, I signed up again for 2016 to see what I can make of it.  Figuring out the math ahead of time, it’s about 5.5 miles per day – much more manageable.  Join me!  Now, I am happy with what I can get done for this year and looking forward to seeing what I end up with.  I recommend the challenge – running/walking/elliptical count for the miles.  I included all of my intentional miles, which was up for quite the debate on the fb group.  Whatever, I didn’t listen to them since as previously mentioned, I can seriously sit around!  It’s my journey.

stomachs have feelings too

1 Nov

Happy Halloweenie!  Did I do anything fancy pants last night?  Ummm… no.  Why?  Because my stomach is a horrible organ conspiring against me.

I’ve called my stomach a number of unpleasant names – on this forum, to my friends and family and simply while talking to myself in my apartment.  Things like, jerk face, brat, the “mean girl” of my organs and then some other names I won’t recount here.  Right now, I am cursing my stomach like a sailor.  I feel like I’m back to where I was a year ago and it is not only exhausting but highly frustrating.

The thing is, I know I haven’t given my stomach a fighting chance and it is rebelling.  I’ve hurt its feelings.  I think of this as a “flare-ups” and this is the worst case in duration and pain-wise in months.  It is absolutely stress related and I am basically a cortisol dumping ground.  You know how I keep mentioning work craziness?  Currently, one of my supervisees got a new job so I’ve been doing most of his job for the last month and half.  Then one of my other supervisees was out for two and 1/2 weeks on medical leave so I’ve been doing chunks of her job as well.  This is all in addition to still fulfilling the expectations of my position.  Oh and coordinating three large programs.

My stomach/health are on the ol’ chopping block at this point.  I eat Pepto chewables a couple of times per day in addition to my prescription stomach meds to help ease the nausea/bloating.  I come home mentally beat and anxiety-ridden so sleep is hard to come by.  I’m back to sleeping with the tv on or I won’t sleep at all.  I haven’t done laundry in ages and I am short-tempered and irritable.  This was by far the worst week since I had to step up my game on one aspect of a large project and it was the day of reckoning for one of the larger events.  Everyday is a new day of trying not to vomit.  Last week I had a migraine and then during the weekend and into Monday I had the stomach flu.  Yesterday, my stomach seemed to give up on me again and I was down for the count.

this is absolutely how I depict my stomach

To make matters worse, I don’t feel I am doing quality work with any of these jobs.  I am really struggling with this aspect as I’ve worked diligently at conquering some of my administrative inadequacies.  Not to mention, I often feel like I’m neglecting my other three supervisees who need me.  As the name of my blog implies, all of the above is a recipe for disaster for yours truly.

In other health news, I’ve had this strange obsession with sucking on ice.  As in, I “eat” (I don’t chew ice – this makes my teeth cringe) but I down large cupfuls a few times per day.  It’s been going on for at least 3 weeks now and progressively getting more intense.  It’s SO WEIRD!  I even bought my own mini-ice machine!  Then there is the problem of me almost passing out in the mornings.  It was happening once or twice a week and then this past week it was four times.  Naturally I used my best computer/ER watching skills and scoured the internets.  Obsession with ice and the passing out piece are symptoms of iron deficiency!  Odd, right?  I also started eating a banana within the first 10 minutes of waking up to make sure my blood sugar isn’t too low.

As I overheard this little 4(ish) year old say in the grocery store the other day, “I’m a hot mess”.  I think I’ve done a decent job up until this last week of keeping it together in public.  Some of the frazzle came to the surface this week.  It’s important to say, my supervisors have worked to find a replacement for the vacancy and this person officially starts Monday.  So while I still need to do the training, I think in two weeks I should be less inclined to carry emergency Pepto chewables for my poor nervous tummy.  My medical leave supervisee is also returning on Tuesday so this will help as well.

silver lining?

I also turn to sugar in times of distress.  I’m working on this one since I know it’s detrimental.  I haven’t worked out officially in almost two weeks due to my knee, so to the treadmill for some walking is in order.  I know these will help calm my stomach issues but it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I kind of thought I was done with the really bad flare-ups.  I do understand it could be worse.  Nevertheless, constantly feeling like you want to puke your guts out and not sure if you should eat or not eat (I never know which one will make me feel better.  Again.) and having your stomach blow up like a balloon about to pop makes me dog-tired.

I’m not sure if I am done whining/sharing about this.  My tummy hasn’t been great since August but beginning Sept 25th all hell broke loose.  So, it’s one day at a time over here in Michigan and reminding myself if I can get through 14-15 miles on a knee not working properly I can get through this.  And I’ve  done it before.  Now time to shove some iron down my throat, practice my calming exercises and try to get back to a routine.  I can do it.

a good reminder

a good reminder 

running can’t fix everything

10 Jun

You know how people say/imply running can cure for all that ails you?  Well, I’m here to say, this isn’t true…

my feelings tasted like peanut butter m & m's

my feelings tasted like peanut butter m & m’s

Let me back up.  Yesterday was a crummy day.  A friend of mine hurt my feelings on Monday and in my true over-analyzing fashion, I couldn’t let it go.  It kept going through my mind, over and over.  In reality, the hurt-feelings aspect has been going on for a while now but it got to a breaking point on Monday.  I couldn’t do much about it that day so yesterday became the day of “the festering wound”.  Gross image, eh?

I won’t even insert a picture of what I was able to find on the internet.

I thought I would try to go for a run to make myself feel better – the magic of running, right?  It will fix everything!  Well, it didn’t.  Turns out trying to run while you are crying really interrupts your breathing and running.  Finally, I sat down under a tree and just bawled my eyes out.  I got up to finish my run but it was as lackluster as it was before the big crying session.

You know what I realized during this run?  Well, two things actually:

1.  My mental game is WAY off.  All I could think about was how horrible I felt emotionally and my running was suffering for it.  I had to walk bigger chunks, I was hot, I wanted to quit.  The fact I made it the whole loop is a miracle in itself and will get stored in my “if you can run through that, you can run through this” memory/strength bank.  I recently read an article about mental toughness and I thought about it again last night – here it is:

2.  Sometimes running can’t fix problems that sit in our souls.  They can act as a band-aid and I will admit the mini-burst of endorphins got me through the rest of the evening without feeling too sorry for myself.  But life is tricky and depending on anything too much just sets me up for disappointment.  Truthfully, had I gone out and had the best run I’ve had in months, I still don’t think it could have rescued me from the blues (although it would have helped a bit more!).  And there was no way that a great run could’ve happened – see number one.

I’m not sure if I am glad I went out there and ran last night but I guess it gave me a new place (aside from my couch) to expel some of my emotions. Probably getting outside and some fresh air was a positive.  And it really drove home how my negativity toward myself and my running abilities needs to be adjusted. Stat.

Ahhh… sorry for the pity party.  Things will get better…

%d bloggers like this: