no resolutions here – 2014 is doomed!

I spent all day traveling yesterday to get back to incredibly chilly and snowy MI.  During this time, I napped, listened to some tunes and did some thinking.  Being on a plane for over four hours with delayed flights, driving for over 2 and half hours and taking the train and a boat to get home gives you time to think.

oh yeah and I walked up 3 GIANT hills in Seattle to get to the train pulling two suitcases – brutal!

There were all kinds of ideas floating around in my head about what I wanted my resolutions to include.  Weight loss, running PRs, saving all the monies, cranking up my domestic and decorating skills, being a better daughter, sister, friend… the list went on and it was kind of overwhelming.

Today, I started watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy and came to a very important conclusion.  I’m not making any resolutions this year.

Each January I make lofty goals about how I am going to change my life in the upcoming year.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t see anything wrong with this practice.  In fact, I even accomplish a few of them.  But yesterday as I was sitting in the airport reading over all of the fb posts about how fabulous years were, all I could think about was how my year WASN’T fabulous.  This was the approximate time when I started feeling sorry for myself.

It took me another lay over to see I could think of this past year with a positive spin or a negative one.  Since I’ve been working to slow the negative thoughts down, I opted for the positive spin and it lifted my cloud of negativity.  Nevertheless, I am not sure I want to establish a check list for this year.  I think I want this year to unfold based on what is happening in my life and the direction it is going.  There is a scene in the last Harry Potter movie where Hermione says they need to create a plan.  Harry responds with, “when have any of our plans actually worked?  We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose” – this is my life!

tru dat Harry

So, I’m going to make goals as I go along.  All of those things I mentioned above will be themes in the following days and being happy will be my main focus.  The rest will be gravy.

happy? me?! YES!

I wrote this yesterday!

Oh great scott – how is it only Wednesday?!  For the last two days first year students and their families took over campus.  It’s a really exciting time and I would greet it with open arms if it weren’t for the month of training that happens prior.  At this point I greeted them with limp-y arms and a big smile.  That’s what exhaustion looks like:

When I was hanging out with friends on Saturday, one of them remarked how I seem much happier than I have in a long time.  It was so nice to hear.  I am feeling happier!  The stress (rashes, teeth grinding, eating) isn’t pleasant but it doesn’t always denote unhappiness.  For at least the last year however, the stress and unhappiness have gone hand in hand.  Which of course, created more stress, more unhappiness and more anxiety.

and more eating – boo

I’ve been feeling happier for a little over a month now.  Honestly, this feels kind of odd to talk about but it’s true.  I bounce back from grumpy moods faster, don’t descend into “pits of dispair” and no longer consider getting out of bed to be my biggest accomplishment of the day.  Yay!

The interesting thing about being happier is realizing a) how unhappy I was b) that there was something I could do about it and c) that some of my current behavior is habitual.

a) My unhappiness was deep.  It was one of those where even when I was having happy moments it couldn’t out-feel the sadness inside.  A lot of it had to do with my mom and healing/time have played a role in this journey of “recovery”.

b) I didn’t know my epilepsy meds were effecting me so much.  Now that I am 6 months into the med switch, I’ve noticed a HUGE difference!  Being on the old meds, along with my own brain chemicals (depression/anxiety) were a combo that I couldn’t fight.

c) So yay!  Happier!  Now, I need to get back to routines I had before that were uplifting.  As I started drowning the following started happening – afternoon (2 hour naps) everyday, calling in sick for work due to depression and sickness, avoiding friends, increased anxiety, staying up really late, watching endless hours of tv, poor eating habits, no energy to run – there are more but I can’t think of them.  The problem is, some of these have become habitual.  I need to break up with the bad habits and now that I’m feeling better I’m working to make it happen.

I like feeling happier.  I got used to feeling crappy so I am not even sure what to do with myself.  It’s like when I had gallstones.  I was sick for a year and half and would get gallbladder attacks (seriously, I thought my body would explode) every couple of months.  I assumed the-always-sick feeling was just me.  After the surgery, I felt AMAZING!  I didn’t even know I could feel that good.  It’s like that now.

I do think my personality/person has been changed on a permanent level.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  I am more introverted and more accepting of myself.  I can admit I have anxiety and ADD.  And I’m learning to work with all of these.  It’s kind of liberating and I am happy I am making changes in myself because I want to and not because someone else wants me too.  Hmm – that’s good.  I’m going to put that on a pillow!

happy things

Things I am happy about Thursday!  I really like doing these posts since I am trying harder and harder to focus on the positive things.  Not to mention, it’s fun to look at what makes me happy!

yumm-o!

1.  Starburst jelly beans and a snickerdoodle cookie – these jelly beans are freakin’ awesome!  If you haven’t had them, you really should run out to the nearest store and get some.  I mean seriously, starburst flavor jelly beans?!  They do have a grape and “green” flavor (not sure what it is) which are not my favorite but the rest bring a smile to my face.  Snickerdoodles are my dad’s favorite so they always remind me of him :)  Plus, this one was super chewy/soft.  I chose wisely.

2.  9:55 min mile – last night I went for what was supposed to be an easy 4 miles.  I started out and had to try and slow myself down since I knew I would burn out after a mile.  For some reason, my pacing has been all over the place lately.  After a mile, I walked for a little bit and then I gave myself a firm pep talk because in all reality I was just being lazy.  My LAST mile clocked in at 9:55!  What the heck?!  Mind games AGAIN!  I’ve been having a crisis of confidence, which I will talk more about tomorrow.  But I am pretty darn happy about clocking a mile at this time.

birthday present from Emily!

3.  This perfect bottle opener – I love this sucker!  Haha, I got this from Emily for my birthday and I think it definitely deserves a blog shout out for it’s awesomeness :)

4.  New running gear! – okay, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I get for new running clothes.  However, I really don’t need to be buying new stuff.  I mean, I have A LOT of gear.  Nevertheless, I am on a constant look out for shorts that I like.  I have some tempos and I like them but sometimes I feel they ride up a bit.  I hate it when shorts ride up!  I bought a new pair of Oiselle’s and I have my fingers crossed these will be great.

this just screams "athlete" to me!

5.  Nuun – I am working on hydration.  Since it jumped from a mild winter to the heat of the sun here, I have realized how badly I need to concentrate on drinking water.  But this isn’t always enough and I need to bring something along with me WHILE running.  Yesterday I brought something and I am fairly sure this was why I didn’t melt into a pool of mushy goo!

6.  The above video! – This song is incredible and this snippet of what Ragnar could/will be like gives me the chills!

YaY! for happy things!