running and I almost broke up

Running and I had a big fight this weekend… we almost broke up.  It went a bit like this:

Running:  you never spend time with me anymore!

Me:  you make me feel badly about myself – you used to be easier to handle and now I feel like a failure when we hang out

Running:  you have irrational expectations of me – 26.2 miles with not enough training?  Magical transformation of your gluteus maximus?  Lack of consistency?  I’m not a miracle worker, woman!  It’s going to be tough.

Me:  you don’t make me feel strong anymore – and you make me tired.

I need to remember this!

After we hashed out a few more of our issues with one another, Running said this:

Running:  I miss you!

Me:  weellll, I guess I kinda miss you, too


So we decided not to break up.  Running also pointed out that all of our mutual friends, Running Clothes, Garmin, Mizunos, and Brooks would have to choose sides and while Running didn’t come right out and say I might be on the losing end of this choice, it was definitely implied!

Nope, I am not a lunatic, I really did have an inner monologue argument with myself concerning running.  Did I still love it?  Was it still worth my time and energy?  I didn’t do the 1/2 yesterday because the “cons” outweighed the “pros”.

yes... this was one of the cons!
yes… this was one of the cons!

But as I laid there in the wee hours of the morn, I realized I need to either quit or get my head on straight.  It certainly wasn’t an easy convo to have as I need to admit some failures and my overall lack of motivation.  Running has given me so much but as a fellow runner once told me, “all runners go through slumps sometimes”.  Definitely helpful to know!  It’s okay to make changes and figure out how to fit it all in – for about a year now, I’ve tried to make it all work like I used to.  Now, I recognize that as my circumstances/life have changed, my training, my running and my daily habits need to change too.

My treadmill?  Out of commission, for another week.  They are sending a tech dude and some new parts so that’s good.  However, it is a bit disappointing.  There was no way I was going to take it apart and bring it back though.

maybe I should have bought this one instead
maybe I should have bought this one instead

This isn’t meant to be a downer post.  In fact, I am feeling positive!  And I did good with one of my lenten promises today – I got dressed and was doing the whole negative self-talk thing.  Then I looked in a full length mirror, “huh… I guess I don’t look so bad after all.”  Yep, I paid myself a compliment!  Yay!

Baby steps folks, baby steps!

waking up and smelling the coffee

Today I kicked my style project up a notch.  I am wearing bright royal blue skinny jeans, a white tee with a coral blouse over it and then a sparkle gray sweater.  I’ve added a knit hat and ankle booties to this get up… AND I took a pic!

just a bit of color for this wednesday!
just a bit of color for this wednesday!

I did get a couple of, “hmmm, not sure” type of reactions but I love it.  This style renewal is EXACTLY what I need at the moment.  Interestingly enough, I didn’t start losing weight back in the day until I had accepted and started to love my body as is.  I had a style reno at the start of that process as well.  I’ve often marveled at this aspect of my story – I had finally decided the curves weren’t so bad and then I lost 80 lbs.

life is too short to worry about matching socks
life is too short to worry about matching socks

I have thought a lot about this cause and effect and believe it comes down to me caring about my body, loving it and learning to treat it right.  When I hated how I looked, it didn’t matter if I was cruel to it – I didn’t care.  Once I started eating better and recognizing how strong it was I started fueling it through nutrition and exercise.  And kind thoughts.

Last night I was sharing this with a good friend – this whole wake up and smell the coffee moment I’d had so many years ago.  Then I had another wake up call as I realized I’ve fallen into some similar patterns of not appreciating or showing my body love as of late.  So, with the start of Lent today here are my two Lenten promises:

1.  I’m giving up my snooze button – whew!  This morning was interesting.  My ultimate goal for this is to learn to appreciate mornings, wake up with ONE alarm and no more hitting snooze for a half hour.  I wasn’t running late this morning and felt much calmer.

2.  Appreciate my body – for me this means sticking to my work out goals and plans and dialing down the judgy-ness.  I’ve been way to harsh on myself as of late.  I would NEVER allow anyone to talk to one of my friends the way I talk to myself and it’s time I remember to be amazed at what my body is able to do on a daily basis.

oops – I lied – the 3 Lenten promises!

3.  To be more observant – lately, I’ve noticed I’ve been walking around with my gaze lowered.  In fact, I’ve lived in the area for almost 10 years and yesterday was the first day I had noticed a building in the neighborhood (and how it resembled male genitalia but that’s another story!).  For shame, Amy!  I walked to work this morning with my eyes forward and took in as much beauty as I could.  I was certainly welcomed with an incredible sunny day!

look at that!  I can see grass!
look at that! I can see grass!

I don’t believe that Lent has to always be a time for sacrifice rather it’s a time to become a better person.  To be mindful and awake.  I’m looking forward to sharing some of my experiences!