Tag Archives: stress

I love lists

31 Dec

I know it seems a little cliché to write my first post back in a million years on New Year’s Eve.  Oh well.  I’ve attempted a couple of posts in the last few days but they were all too involved.  I need to split some of this business up or you would be reading for about 10 hours!

Naturally, I have no idea where to start.  So, I’ll do a list.  I never realized how much I love lists until I started writing this blog.  Here we go:

1. I’m currently hanging out in my own place!  Yay!  I somehow got a sweet deal in an incredibly tough rental market in my home town.  I’m not kidding – it’s nuts.  Lack of availability means rent is large and in charge for so many places.  Not to mention, many places are run through renting agencies which require you to make three times your rent on a monthly basis.  Hahahahaha (this is a crazed laugh, can you tell??).  Again, I thank my lucky stars that a) I’m persistent and b) that things worked in my favor.

2. I also got an amazing deal on a set of furniture!  I love it when a plan comes together!

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Simon-cat has claimed this chair for his very own. I put a blanket over it as to limit cat hair transfer. Today is the first day I’ve sat in it – no wonder he loves it!

3. My house is right next door to my dad’s house so I was able to bootleg enough internet for my LuLaRoe business but other than that, I didn’t have access for THREE WEEKS due to connectivity problems.  I watched Twilight, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter over and over again.

4. LuLaRoe.  Since my job search has not been fruitful, LuLaRoe is my source of income.  Being my own boss and having my own business is both neato and terrifying!  As a new consultant, it takes time to build a customer base, inventory, along with revamping my business plan over and over again.  This results in waking up to panic attacks in the middle of the night!  HOWEVER, I have already met some fun people and am looking forward to continuing this journey.  Not to mention, I am enjoying this business a lot!  Although a job would be helpful!  Just keeping it truthful here.

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in this case the stress is real!

5. More LuLaRoe.  I love the clothes!  My sister had to tell me “stop shopping your inventory!”  Haha, seriously though, so many treasures!  Not to mention, when women (those are my current customers) try the clothes on the delight in their eyes is fantastic.  One woman swore off dresses many moons ago.  She put on the Carly dress and LOVED it!  First dress in forever and she bought it 10 minutes after trying it on and looking in the mirror.  It’s an amazing feeling to be a part of these moments.

6. I was doing well in the fitness realm in August, September and the first two weeks of October.  I was walking about every other day and even running!  My bum knee was responding in a positive way!  Then life took over and my routine fell by the wayside.  I will say, I ran a Turkey Trot with my sister and I was able to run a heck of a lot more of it than I thought I could.  That being said, the aforementioned anxiety and work load has led to some additional weight loss while no longer sticking to the walking/running.  I’ll get in the zone with LuLaRoe and forget to eat.  For the record, I don’t forget to eat.  Ever.  I always thought this was a silly phrase and perhaps a fake phenomenon.  Nope.  It does happen.  I’ve reached my goal weight, although I think I need to reinvigorate my walking/running since forgetting to eat isn’t the healthiest weight loss method nor one that I can count on to keep the pounds off.  I mean, I’m starting to remember to eat (a positive thing for sure).

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sister dear and I taking a running break for a picture!

7. Overhauling my life has been more complicated than I ever would’ve imagined.  There will be posts on this all on their own.  While I knew it would be a tough and interesting transition, this information was processed in the practical/logical part of my brain, rather than the emotional-feely part of the brain/heart/spiritual side.  Like I said, more posts to come on this since I do enjoy processing.  Also, it was ABSOLUTELY the right choice!

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I love this quote

8. Happy New Year!  I don’t make New Year resolutions anymore.  Some of the items or goals I mentioned above are things I’ve already been working on and need to get more assertive in making them a reality.  I recognize many people see it as a fresh start but I consider to be this marker.  So, I have another month and 3 days to my “new year” and I’m going to continue to work on my goals and work through the transitions.

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how can I fail when I have dairy on my side?! (p.s. Buzzfeed lists are the best – they do love to put together lists of unfortunate mistakes while adding some comentary)

Off to take photos of new inventory!  My blog page is getting more traffic than my LuLaRoe page and it’s reminded me how much I love to write!  Happy New Year everyone!

 

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inner thoughts

2 Dec

I couldn’t decide on a title for this because it really is going to be a bunch of rambling – that probably should be the title.  The following things have been rattling around my brain for the last few days and I need an outlet.  Lucky you!  Of course it’s in list form, silly goose!

1. People who say you either shouldn’t or can’t eat a whole pie by yourself clearly lack ambition.  Trust me.  I am ambitious.  I really don’t know why I don’t make pumpkin pie more often – I love it.  Maybe it has to do with my ambitious nature.

2. Super thankful for my little ice machine.  My normal supplier was closed up for the holiday weekend but “babycakes” (as I affectionately nicknamed her – stolen from Spike, see below) did a great job.  Multiple cupfuls of ice were consumed.

this was on the ground - ice just WASTED. shameful

someone left this was on the ground – ice just WASTED. shameful

3. I had big plans on being productive during this past minibreak.  I wasn’t.  Unless you count powering through a couple of seasons of Flashpoint, which I doubt I should.  TeamSpike forever.

look how cute he is!

4. Have you ever watched so many episodes of a tv show that you get really into the characters?  Seriously, I had to remind myself “these people ARE NOT real!”  Maybe I should have talked to more actual humans…

5. I did not go black friday shopping this year.  I’ve done it for YEARS – back in the day when I was home for Thanksgiving break during college and my mom would drag me out of bed to run through walmart picking up presents for the little cousins and family.  While I kind of felt like I abandoned a tradition, I didn’t need anything.  Not to mention I didn’t want to be mobbed by all of the people and traffic.  Social anxiety saved me money and clutter this year!

6. Monday morning I had the brilliant idea to weigh myself.  I know, WTF was I thinking?!  Nevertheless, I knew it was time to face the numbers.  I haven’t moved much since I ran the marathon.  I should definitely be more than 2 lbs heavier but “thankfully” my ulcer makes it difficult to eat, so you know, silver lining.  Now, I need to get back on the treadmill for some walking, swimming for less impact and continue to strengthen my muscles with the PT exercises.  All of this written out looks a bit overwhelming considering my recent lack of motivation so I am going to break it down into some manageable pieces.

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truth

7. Speaking of ulcer city, two things.  Sad face – I can no longer have my afternoon coffee (well, I managed yesterday but probably not advised).  I’m not kidding when I say, I find a sense of lost in this fact.  I luuuuurve it.  But it kicks up my stomach pains, so to the curb with it.  Next up – happy face – my stomach hurt on Wednesday even though I sort of had the day off BUT I felt better for 3.5 days!  Better than I have in MONTHS.  It was delightful.  Sunday afternoon?  Acid boiled up again.  Stress man… working on some life changes.

That’s all for now.  I have a couple of other random posts on the way and hopefully some kind of aerobic activities to report on in the next few days.  I have every intention of losing these two silly pounds in the next 22 days, so I better get crackin’.  Not to mention, the endorphins, digestion help and the overall good feels that come with being active.

this might count?

this might count?

my “moronic” muscle

8 Nov

Last Friday, I took some annual leave.  During a meeting with my boss the day before, I talked about my stress level.  I realize now I mentioned that “my health is not great” twice due to all of the stress as of late.  She kindly encouraged me to take the day.  I said I had a lot to do.  A couple of hours later, I recognized the gift and put in for the day.  It was a fabulous idea.

My second PT appt was bright and early Friday morning and I considered canceling it since I didn’t have to get up early anymore.  Nevertheless, recovery, right?  I got out of bed and made the appt.  Daren – PT friend, asked me how the muscle memory exercises were going.  I told him, I couldn’t believe these simple movements made my muscles sore!  I also said I couldn’t figure out where my patella was.  He had a plastic model and I was confusing tendon with patella, it made much more sense.  I had no idea the patella was so small!

We went through some exercises – a mix of stability and active ones.  I rode the bike for 6 whole mins, but that was the only cardio.  Even though I could feel my knee, it didn’t really hurt per say.  More irritated, I think.  I was definitely surprised when going through these strength exercises I broke out in a sweat.  They were tough!  During one of the exercise, Daren asked if I was feeling any pain.  Nope.  He then provided music to my ears, “I really think you just abused it by doing too much when your knee/muscles weren’t ready”.  Good news indeed!

it’s probably too early to hug him, right?

I know I said I was happy to be a lazy bones and I really am. That said, I’ve worked hard to lose almost 20lbs in the last year and I don’t want that to by the wayside. Sure, feeling crummy stomach-wise is helping with the decrease in eating but somehow, this doesn’t seem very healthy. In fact, it sounds eating disorder-ish, which is definitely NOT what I am looking for.  I told this to PT friend.  He said he understood – both about getting back into the habit of lying around and wanting to be active.  Next week we are going to evaluate and try the elliptical, which is going to be a riot since I can’t catch the rhythm of said machine and foresee failure.  I asked about swimming and looks likely as an option for next week.

I did ask about one of those electrode machines that contract the muscles for you.  I don’t know why but I really want one.  He said I could buy one myself, to which I asked if I needed one for recovery.  He said I didn’t since those machines are used to contract muscles that can’t do it on their own.  He said my muscles can, “they are just moronic right now”.  HA!  This cracked me up, my thigh muscle is a moron.  It’s perfect.

Physical therapy

icing the poor moron

PT update – over and out!

stomachs have feelings too

1 Nov

Happy Halloweenie!  Did I do anything fancy pants last night?  Ummm… no.  Why?  Because my stomach is a horrible organ conspiring against me.

I’ve called my stomach a number of unpleasant names – on this forum, to my friends and family and simply while talking to myself in my apartment.  Things like, jerk face, brat, the “mean girl” of my organs and then some other names I won’t recount here.  Right now, I am cursing my stomach like a sailor.  I feel like I’m back to where I was a year ago and it is not only exhausting but highly frustrating.

The thing is, I know I haven’t given my stomach a fighting chance and it is rebelling.  I’ve hurt its feelings.  I think of this as a “flare-ups” and this is the worst case in duration and pain-wise in months.  It is absolutely stress related and I am basically a cortisol dumping ground.  You know how I keep mentioning work craziness?  Currently, one of my supervisees got a new job so I’ve been doing most of his job for the last month and half.  Then one of my other supervisees was out for two and 1/2 weeks on medical leave so I’ve been doing chunks of her job as well.  This is all in addition to still fulfilling the expectations of my position.  Oh and coordinating three large programs.

My stomach/health are on the ol’ chopping block at this point.  I eat Pepto chewables a couple of times per day in addition to my prescription stomach meds to help ease the nausea/bloating.  I come home mentally beat and anxiety-ridden so sleep is hard to come by.  I’m back to sleeping with the tv on or I won’t sleep at all.  I haven’t done laundry in ages and I am short-tempered and irritable.  This was by far the worst week since I had to step up my game on one aspect of a large project and it was the day of reckoning for one of the larger events.  Everyday is a new day of trying not to vomit.  Last week I had a migraine and then during the weekend and into Monday I had the stomach flu.  Yesterday, my stomach seemed to give up on me again and I was down for the count.

this is absolutely how I depict my stomach

To make matters worse, I don’t feel I am doing quality work with any of these jobs.  I am really struggling with this aspect as I’ve worked diligently at conquering some of my administrative inadequacies.  Not to mention, I often feel like I’m neglecting my other three supervisees who need me.  As the name of my blog implies, all of the above is a recipe for disaster for yours truly.

In other health news, I’ve had this strange obsession with sucking on ice.  As in, I “eat” (I don’t chew ice – this makes my teeth cringe) but I down large cupfuls a few times per day.  It’s been going on for at least 3 weeks now and progressively getting more intense.  It’s SO WEIRD!  I even bought my own mini-ice machine!  Then there is the problem of me almost passing out in the mornings.  It was happening once or twice a week and then this past week it was four times.  Naturally I used my best computer/ER watching skills and scoured the internets.  Obsession with ice and the passing out piece are symptoms of iron deficiency!  Odd, right?  I also started eating a banana within the first 10 minutes of waking up to make sure my blood sugar isn’t too low.

As I overheard this little 4(ish) year old say in the grocery store the other day, “I’m a hot mess”.  I think I’ve done a decent job up until this last week of keeping it together in public.  Some of the frazzle came to the surface this week.  It’s important to say, my supervisors have worked to find a replacement for the vacancy and this person officially starts Monday.  So while I still need to do the training, I think in two weeks I should be less inclined to carry emergency Pepto chewables for my poor nervous tummy.  My medical leave supervisee is also returning on Tuesday so this will help as well.

silver lining?

I also turn to sugar in times of distress.  I’m working on this one since I know it’s detrimental.  I haven’t worked out officially in almost two weeks due to my knee, so to the treadmill for some walking is in order.  I know these will help calm my stomach issues but it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I kind of thought I was done with the really bad flare-ups.  I do understand it could be worse.  Nevertheless, constantly feeling like you want to puke your guts out and not sure if you should eat or not eat (I never know which one will make me feel better.  Again.) and having your stomach blow up like a balloon about to pop makes me dog-tired.

I’m not sure if I am done whining/sharing about this.  My tummy hasn’t been great since August but beginning Sept 25th all hell broke loose.  So, it’s one day at a time over here in Michigan and reminding myself if I can get through 14-15 miles on a knee not working properly I can get through this.  And I’ve  done it before.  Now time to shove some iron down my throat, practice my calming exercises and try to get back to a routine.  I can do it.

a good reminder

a good reminder 

the wagon wheels came off

16 Oct

Whenever I use this phrase, I always feel sorry for Laura Ingalls Wilder.  I don’t particularly remember her family’s wagon wheels coming off, although I’m sure they did.  Life was rough for those pioneer folks.

I’m pretty sure this was EXACTLY how things were

Anyway, my wagon wheels coming off isn’t nearly as dire.  I’m speaking of marathon training.  I know, this probably isn’t a giant surprise to any of you who’ve been reading for a little while but STILL, I thought this training cycle would be different.  I WANTED this cycle to be different

After I got back from France, I was geeked about running.  I ran a fair amount while there – much more often than I’ve ever run while on some kind of vacation and I felt good about it.  I also ran with some very cool people so this helped motivate me even more.  Nevertheless, I know myself and didn’t want to come back and jump right into 26.2 registration.  I had my sights set on Detroit, since it was the race that got away last year during my sickness.  Not to mention, it allowed for a little longer of a  training cycle and considering I would be starting late, this was a blessing.  This 26.2 registration ended on Aug. 16th if you wanted to be able to cross the bridge into Canada, which, of course, I did.

So, I decided to be semi self aware of my lack of training abilities and use the 4 weeks to see if I could stick to the plan, most importantly hit my long runs.  I did it!  I didn’t miss any of my long runs by the time it came to sign up, which I did when I realized I was DOING IT!  Training like a good runner should!

Then the wagon wheels came off of my training cycle…  Here’s the deal:  I got back from France on Wed, July 15th.  I worked the next day (which I was barely conscious for so I don’t remember much about that day) and then took Friday off from work so I could actually read a computer screen come Monday morning.  Why?  Because training for our new employees started and one of my supervises is new this year.  Training only ramps up from here and reaches heights of intense exhaustion – I knew this.  There was also the added stress/work of opening a new building, which I oversee.  No, I didn’t manage the actual construction of the building (seriously, I would NEVER want that job!) but it’s under my supervision.  But I couldn’t completely foresee the future.

The last two weeks of August and the first week of September my brain and health were fried.  At this point, I’d been on call for 3 weeks in a row.  The work days were long and the late night calls were beyond frequent.  There were no long runs happening.  I knew I needed to do them and part of me really wanted to.  The other part of me laid on the couch and tried to convince Simon he was able to cook so I didn’t have to get up.  I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted and I paid for it with some health issues.  Migraines – ewww and a fire in my belly that wasn’t ambition… just pure stomach acid eating the lining for breakfast, lunch, dinner and couple of snacks.

Fast forward to today and Detroit is this Sunday.  When I signed up, I paid $10 extra dollars in order to be able to cancel my registration and still get a refund.  I wasn’t completely delusional with regards to what lay ahead of me in my work world.  This past weekend I ran a 5 miler and no, I didn’t blow that puppy out of the water.  I told my good friend who was running with me about the bailout contingency plan and she said, “yeah, but if you think like that then you won’t do it”.  Very true.

I already have my accommodations.  I want to do this race since last year, 4 days before it I was huddled up on the couch in so much pain I thought there was a gremlin inside my stomach trying to get out – and not cute and furry Gizmo but the one where it was fed after midnight and water was poured on it.  Yeah – the scary ones.

There won’t be a PR (I thought I might be able to pull one off originally) but I will finish.  Two weeks ago, I climbed on the treadmill and started freaking out at my lack of preparedness.  I’m certainly not a Doomsday Prepper in this scenario.  I suddenly remembered this is supposed to be FUN.  It took a massive boulder off of my shoulders, one of which continued to tell me how much I sucked at every footfall.  My inner lack of confidence and the rude voice in my mind are still providing a monologue consisting of a “you are probably going to lay on the side of the road and be picked up by the marathon version of the zamboni” but I’m getting better at quieting this sabotaging butthead.

And I am now the proud owner of some wicked compression tights too, so at least this will give me a boost.

There it is.  Another race I’m not ready for.  I talked to my brother about it while in NY.  He said maybe I’m not quite ready to really commit to training.  After my mom died, and the depression/anxiety took over, running was tough.  I said I “wanted to be ready for trainings since running is part of my identity”.  Kev said, “it isn’t WHO you are though”.  It has stuck with me.  Time to release the pressure valve, stop worrying about my slow pace and enjoy the moment.  And get excited!

positive happenings

2 Apr

Thankfully, my post on Monday doesn’t reflect my entire week – only certain parts of it.  But this is normal, especially this time of the year with work.  We are gearing up for our “end of the year” and there are days where it doesn’t let up.

However, there have been some really high points!  So I will detail those here:

1.  I ran/walked 102 miles in March.  Considering my back has been a jerk face, I’m really proud of this.  Being in New Orleans helped a ton because, get this, we walked 54 miles during that time!  Holy red beans and rice!

2.  I helped/went with my buddy who bought a new car.  Very exciting indeed.  It’s nice to go with someone who is spending money because I can get the same retail therapy benefits without spending my own money.  Kind of handy.  And I was the first passenger – I felt all special.

3.  Still plowing through LOST.  I’m seriously invested and last night came close to ugly crying through an episode.  Digging this show – nice work J.J. Abrams.  Although, I will admit to wanting to write him letters asking him WHY on many issues.  That might  be stocking though…

good advice with regards to this show

4.  My shoe inserts came!  Tonight I will get to use them for the first time.  I have high hopes/expectations for these.  Probably too high but this is my personality.  Also, a good back-cracking appointment with Dr. Chiro.

5.  I didn’t go into detail just yet about my great tarot card reading experience in New Orleans – post coming soon.  I also got a candle from her a few days prior to the reading.  She asked me a couple of questions and then picked it out for me.  As the candle burns there are charms in the wax and they represent a certain something – whatever comes to your mind first.  My first charm came up – it was very fitting.  Seriously, I was over-analyzing and I said to myself, “I just need a sign” and boom!  I got one.

6.  I need a new battery for my Misfit Shine.  This means I’ve used the heck out of it!  Yay me.

7.  Back on the gluten-free train after my vaca.  Monday I was in the throes of a lack of gluten detox and it was ROUGH.  I seriously had the dumb.  And the grumps.  I’m feeling better though, emotionally and physically.  Friday and Saturday I could feel some of the depression increasing and while I’m still trying to rid myself of a “heavy” emotional state (it’s the only way I can think of to explain it), I’m doing better.  I’m looking forward to feeling lighter in a few days.

8.  I got the sweetest giftie from my grandma in the mail – a super endearing note and a small puzzle piece charm with the words “I am loved” on it.  It was perfect timing – another sign I needed.

gr. kate9.  I had a nice mini interval run on the tready on Tuesday and I’m planning a longer one tonight.  I’m going to sweat out this gluten and the negativity I’ve been wallowing in today.

10.  I also have some amazing friends.

My brain tends to notice/remember the adverse happenings and I’m working on changing this.  I know much of it is habitual.  I started this post groaning about the parts of the week that DIDN’T go well.  Then I hit delete.  Smart move.

Do you have a habit of noticing the negative first?

#cloneAmy

19 Mar

The posts are comin’ in hot!

Alright, not really.  All week I’ve been writing posts in my brain, just haven’t been able to put them to “paper”.  My brain is a bit mushy this week.

Anyway, the title – “#cloneAmy”.  I referenced this version of me before but here is a bit of a refresher:  #cloneAmy is my clone (fairly obvious) who accomplishes things that I would normally put off.  Essentially, “she” is the non-ADHD/more organized version of me.  So, #cloneAmy had some shiny moments already this week.  Working out on Monday – which I already mentioned.  Important to celebrate since it was a) Monday b) there was some actual foresight involved c) no procrastinating.  Well done #cloneAmy.

Tuesday (also St. Pat’s), #cloneAmy had a couple of other highlights.  I had some low points, which I will refrain from boring you with, so when #cloneAmy stepped up to the plate it was welcomed.  First off, reduced my carbon footprint by picking up some needed trip items while already out at my chiro appt.  Second, made a righteous to-do list.  Lately, I’ve faltered with keeping my to-do lists up to date.  This wreaks havoc on my productivity considering my aforementioned ADHD so I have to remember to pull it together when I start getting all cocky.  Anyway, to-do list made and items crossed off.  Third, I caved when I came home and was resting on the couch…

nooooooo – don’t sleep on the couch – GET UP!

You guessed it – #cloneAmy came through and did some laundry!

Once again, this foresight was necessary as two realizations hit: 1) I have to work late on Thursday night – until approximately 8 pm.  2) my flight LEAVES at 5:55 am on Friday morning, from an airport about one hour away.  3) We need to leave here right around 3:30 – 3:45 am so a wake up call of 2:15 am.

Seriously, regular Amy would not have put these two things together until much later in the game.  Monday, I pulled up my itinerary (another complete anomaly – I once started driving to the wrong airport because I hadn’t checked it.  Then last summer, I mixed up my departure time by a 1/2 hour – oopsie!) because I was foggy on the whole airplane take off time and my heart skipped a beat.  I started all of the calculating and my heart skipped a few more beats.  So, while I wanted to come home and do nothing Tuesday night, #cloneAmy was smart and two loads of laundry are now finished.

Last night I completed my packing list and started an epic fashion show – party of me.  I tried on everything I planned on wearing down there.  Very wise #cloneAmy.  I found a bunch of things in the packing pile that were not vacation friendly (gotta leave room for some bloat) not to mention I vaguely remembered it was going to be warm.  I checked and it’s going to be quite a bit warmer than anticipated – more items in the do not take pile!

Don’t you worry – I just finished solidifying Simon’s care taking plans so #cloneAmy isn’t going to go all Skynet on everyone.  I’m fairly proud of #cloneAmy – me, at this point and just need to pull this all together.  A trip to the store for last minute items, gassing up the ol’ VW, picking up meds and putting the packables in the suitcase.  Oh and sleep.  Hmmm… seems like a lot more now that I type it out… insert some panic…

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