stomachs have feelings too

Happy Halloweenie!  Did I do anything fancy pants last night?  Ummm… no.  Why?  Because my stomach is a horrible organ conspiring against me.

I’ve called my stomach a number of unpleasant names – on this forum, to my friends and family and simply while talking to myself in my apartment.  Things like, jerk face, brat, the “mean girl” of my organs and then some other names I won’t recount here.  Right now, I am cursing my stomach like a sailor.  I feel like I’m back to where I was a year ago and it is not only exhausting but highly frustrating.

The thing is, I know I haven’t given my stomach a fighting chance and it is rebelling.  I’ve hurt its feelings.  I think of this as a “flare-ups” and this is the worst case in duration and pain-wise in months.  It is absolutely stress related and I am basically a cortisol dumping ground.  You know how I keep mentioning work craziness?  Currently, one of my supervisees got a new job so I’ve been doing most of his job for the last month and half.  Then one of my other supervisees was out for two and 1/2 weeks on medical leave so I’ve been doing chunks of her job as well.  This is all in addition to still fulfilling the expectations of my position.  Oh and coordinating three large programs.

My stomach/health are on the ol’ chopping block at this point.  I eat Pepto chewables a couple of times per day in addition to my prescription stomach meds to help ease the nausea/bloating.  I come home mentally beat and anxiety-ridden so sleep is hard to come by.  I’m back to sleeping with the tv on or I won’t sleep at all.  I haven’t done laundry in ages and I am short-tempered and irritable.  This was by far the worst week since I had to step up my game on one aspect of a large project and it was the day of reckoning for one of the larger events.  Everyday is a new day of trying not to vomit.  Last week I had a migraine and then during the weekend and into Monday I had the stomach flu.  Yesterday, my stomach seemed to give up on me again and I was down for the count.

this is absolutely how I depict my stomach

To make matters worse, I don’t feel I am doing quality work with any of these jobs.  I am really struggling with this aspect as I’ve worked diligently at conquering some of my administrative inadequacies.  Not to mention, I often feel like I’m neglecting my other three supervisees who need me.  As the name of my blog implies, all of the above is a recipe for disaster for yours truly.

In other health news, I’ve had this strange obsession with sucking on ice.  As in, I “eat” (I don’t chew ice – this makes my teeth cringe) but I down large cupfuls a few times per day.  It’s been going on for at least 3 weeks now and progressively getting more intense.  It’s SO WEIRD!  I even bought my own mini-ice machine!  Then there is the problem of me almost passing out in the mornings.  It was happening once or twice a week and then this past week it was four times.  Naturally I used my best computer/ER watching skills and scoured the internets.  Obsession with ice and the passing out piece are symptoms of iron deficiency!  Odd, right?  I also started eating a banana within the first 10 minutes of waking up to make sure my blood sugar isn’t too low.

As I overheard this little 4(ish) year old say in the grocery store the other day, “I’m a hot mess”.  I think I’ve done a decent job up until this last week of keeping it together in public.  Some of the frazzle came to the surface this week.  It’s important to say, my supervisors have worked to find a replacement for the vacancy and this person officially starts Monday.  So while I still need to do the training, I think in two weeks I should be less inclined to carry emergency Pepto chewables for my poor nervous tummy.  My medical leave supervisee is also returning on Tuesday so this will help as well.

silver lining?

I also turn to sugar in times of distress.  I’m working on this one since I know it’s detrimental.  I haven’t worked out officially in almost two weeks due to my knee, so to the treadmill for some walking is in order.  I know these will help calm my stomach issues but it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I kind of thought I was done with the really bad flare-ups.  I do understand it could be worse.  Nevertheless, constantly feeling like you want to puke your guts out and not sure if you should eat or not eat (I never know which one will make me feel better.  Again.) and having your stomach blow up like a balloon about to pop makes me dog-tired.

I’m not sure if I am done whining/sharing about this.  My tummy hasn’t been great since August but beginning Sept 25th all hell broke loose.  So, it’s one day at a time over here in Michigan and reminding myself if I can get through 14-15 miles on a knee not working properly I can get through this.  And I’ve  done it before.  Now time to shove some iron down my throat, practice my calming exercises and try to get back to a routine.  I can do it.

a good reminder
a good reminder 

firstworld woes

beware – whining ahead…

haha, I quote this movie all of the time!

Yesterday was a draining day.  It started out with the lovely sounds of vomit.  Simon was throwing up – on my bed.  I swear, I channeled my inner ninja and jumped out of the bed with lightning speed!  While I didn’t totally avoid a barfy comforter, I was able to manage the damage.  Oh Simon… I love ya… and then his pitiful “meww” made my heart/frustration melt.  This was at 5 am and it was an omen.  DON’T GET OUT OF THE BED FOR THE WHOLE DAY if this happens to you.  For reals.

poor little dude did not feel well.
poor little dude did not feel well.

Once I fell back to sleep (this took a while, which is very uncommon for me), I had the lovely experience of waking up incredibly late.  I ended up needing to take annual leave since I wasn’t able to get to work until 10:30 am.  *Sigh*

Okay, so these aren’t terrible problems and normally I would just laugh them off and be fine with it.  However, I ran out of one of my meds on Friday night and these are my calming meds for the anxiety beast in me.  So, little problems suddenly become LARGE problems.  Anxiety and irritability were coursing through my veins and within 10 mins of being at work, I started crying a little.  I forgot the pharmacy closed early on Saturday and Sunday so I missed the pick up.  It’s completely my fault and I definitely regretted my malfunctioning memory.  I should have worn a sign around my neck yesterday reading, “do not approach – you’ve been warned”.  Why isn’t this allowed anyway??  My poor office mate was nice enough to bear with me for a couple of hours but he didn’t return in the afternoon – I’m not surprised!  Having anxiety is the pits.

Again, the following isn’t a big deal but… I was also wearing uncomfortable undies.  Can you see a trend here?  I have this odd thing with underwear, which is a story for later.  But it’s been with me since childhood.  Why the troublesome undies?  Because my laundry mountain rivals that of Everest.  It’s embarrassing and kind of pathetic.  I need to buck up and get it done or at least wash two loads.  I think this will allow me to feel a bit more in control of my life!  I have no idea why this would be a contributing factor to my semblance of control but there you go – another look into my psyche.

oh my gosh – I’ve always thought the snuggle bear was creepy and now I will have nightmares

After work, all I wanted to do was drink run okay, who am I kidding?  I wanted a nap.  My calves were still  sore from my weekend o’ running and I’m certain it’s from training outside on hills rather than my treadmill.  I was sporting some compression socks yesterday under my work pants and this helped tremendously.  Despite my silly despair yesterday, I am proud of myself with the running.  9 miles on Saturday and 5 on Sunday – I felt accomplished considering it was chilly and my apartment was toasty warm!

I could not figure out how to refill this.  My troubles are hard, friends.

seriously, I still couldn't figure it out by the end of the work day.  It just sat there, mocking me
seriously, I still couldn’t figure it out by the end of the work day. It just sat there, mocking me

Well, this is essentially a list of woes that are miniscule when compared to real problems.  I do understand this.  One of the downfalls of having anxiety is a serious lack of perspective at times!  The logical part of my brain understands this but the rest of my brain completely panics rather than simply acknowledging it’s a lame day.  I used to be ashamed of my anxiety and depression; I thought it meant I was weak and I just needed to push through it.  Noooot quite the case.  Meds, diet, exercise and sleep all play a big role in managing it (and friends and family!).  Some days one of them (anxiety or depression) might win – like yesterday.  Good thing I have today to start over, yeah?

And to end with a silver lining!  The following came in the mail AND a coworker brought this back from WI!  Cheese and beer (well, this kind of beer) can bring one so much happiness.

my dopey shirt finally came! they didn't have any at the expo
my dopey shirt finally came! they didn’t have any at the expo

and

this is a great beer - and I'm not much of a beer drinker
this is a great beer – and I’m not much of a beer drinker

mary friggin’ poppins… proceed with caution… whining ahead

I composed a large amount of this post on my run last night.  My anger run.  Are you familiar with such a thing?  Essentially, I had hate for everything and if anyone/thing made me mad in the previous 24 hours I was angry all over again.  This is super healthy.

But running is a damn good way of dealing with it.  Especially since I originally attempted to deal with it by eating two handfuls of Trader Joe’s deliciousness and it just didn’t work.  Pity, since eating these was a lot more fun then hauling my ass around in the heat.

they have a golden wrapper because they are so amazing and only gold is strong enough to contain them
they have a golden wrapper because they are so amazing and only gold is strong enough to contain them

Anyway, here are my list of gripes:

1.  My boobs and bum are a size bigger than they used to be… there is a whole lot of jiggling and bouncing going on and it’s embarrassing.  It makes me very self-conscious.

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2.  I’m slow as molasses right now.  And huffing and puffing just to get through a few miles.  Boo.  I knew getting back in shape would be tough and clawing my way back from a mental “injury” is hard because there is nothing physically wrong with me.  So then I just turn on the internal angry monologue…

3.  I went on a date last week and it didn’t go as well as I had hoped.  Or rather there wasn’t that “spark”.  Then I felt badly because I knew I was comparing him to a couple of other guys I’ve dated and that isn’t fair.  But still… WHERE IS HE ALREADY?!

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4.  I had some epilepsy issues last Friday.  I hate this.

I saw this yesterday and decided to embrace this philosophy

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Sorry for the language but seriously, there is nothing I can do about the above except keep pushing forward.  My boobs and bum are only going to get smaller if I keep running.  Same thing with getting back in shape and getting faster.  As far as the dudes/dating world… well, I don’t have an answer for that one.  Apparently, I am going to end up alone with 10 cats who are going to eat my face off when I die in my apt and no one knows.  Maybe I should start collecting the cats now.

yep, this is how it will start

I did call my doctor after much prodding from my dear friends.  I was hoping it would just go away on its own (denial at it’s finest).  Turns out my doctor thinks it’s more related to my migraines so this is a plus.  I do have to stay on some old meds for a few more weeks (or possibly long-term) but if it means not having dizzy spells then I will adjust.

I told you there was whining ahead!  When I got back from the run I did feel better.  Maybe not completely soul-cleansing but I was a lot less hateful, which does everybody good – including me.  And I had an epiphany about how to arrange my apt in between feeling sorry for myself so there’s that, too.

Oh and then I got mad at Mary Poppins.  Because you know, this is completely normal.  Seriously though – I snap my fingers all the time and the mess stays put!  What happened to jumping back to its rightful place?!  And what about this spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down business?!  When I was transitioning these last two and half months, I stuffed myself with sugar and guess what?  It didn’t help!  Lies, Mary Friggin’ Poppins, LIES!

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ADDED:  This afternoon I had a meeting and it was highly entertaining.  I laughed… a lot.  It helped with my stabbiness attitude, too!

cuties are delish and hey, it’s really cold outside!

After getting back from WA, I had to make a trip to the grocery store.  Ugh – it’s such a pain to go to the store after you get back from vacation.  I know, totally a wimpy thing to complain about but I used to have to grocery shop for my job and I was typically there 2 or 3 times a week.  Now, I boycott the grocery store until the VERY.LAST.MINUTE.

While I was in WA, I stocked up on yogurt and tangerines.  Yum.  If you are on the west coast and have access to Lucerne products, you should check out their yogurt – it was delish!  I came back here and put both of those things on my “need now” list.  Unfortunately, these two things happened:

check out that date!  I bought these on the 1st of Jan.  I did eat this one but I also purchased one from dec. 23rd!  whaaa??
check out that date! I bought these on the 1st of Jan. I did eat this one but I also purchased one from dec. 23rd! whaaa??

I was disappointed and will take back the 23rd one.  Then I was super excited for my oranges – I am a HUGE fan of “Cuties“.  I am here to declare there is a difference!  Not just any ol’ clementine will do!  So, I broke out my oranges after eating an out of date yogurt

photo evidence of a a poor piece of fruit!
photo evidence of poor piece of fruit!

Boo.  I must admit, lunch wasn’t so great that day!  Well, then I looked at the box and I didn’t buy “Cuties” I bought “Clem ‘n Tina’s”.  Whaaaa?!  The boxes look so freakin’ similar!  Tricky Clem ‘n Tina, tricky.

In other news, coming back to snow and ice has been interesting in the running realm.  I went out on Jan. 1 to a lovely 25* day.  Yesterday I put in 6.02 miles and while the temp said 30* with the windchill it was 18* – brrrr!  Man, did I feel that wind!  I always wonder what other people wear when they run so here was my get-up:

under armour running hoodie
under armour running hoodie
jacket my dad got me from costco and a merril hat my sis got me for christmas
jacket my dad got me from costco and a merrell hat my sis got me for christmas

Then I had some winter tights on as well along with a pair of SmartWool socks.  Under the hoodie, I was wearing a short sleeve tech shirt as well.  So the Under Armour hoodie I got for Christmas two years ago.  It’s great.  It’s very light-weight but warm.  There is a fleece-y lining and the hood is very handy, mostly to help keep my neck warm.

My dad just bought me this Costco jacket this Christmas.  I put it on in the store was liked it right away.  If you have a Costco near you I would SPRINT to pick one up!  It has THREE pockets!  I know, crazy business right there!  I love the color I got and they had a royal bluish/purple, a hot pink and black.  I’ve worn it both days of running outside and while I did need to add the layers underneath, both my dad and I were impressed with how warm it was.  The sleeves are long enough (and I have monkey arms), the thumb holes aren’t too tight and you can also fold over part of the sleeve for a whole mitten effect.  Oh!  It’s longer than many jackets so it covers the hiney quite well and it’s stretchy.  The price?  $24.99.  See what I mean?  Get there quick.  I bought a medium.

This is also the first winter I went with SmartWool.  I never really thought they were necessary but I was incorrect!  My feet always get cold when I run and in the past I have doubled up on socks.  With my Mizuno Inspires, my feet get even colder since they are fairly mesh-y.  I’ve been quite pleased with this purchase, even though it was kind of expensive.  My local running store was having a deal luckily so that helped.

I think that’s about it from this home front… I do have a marathon next weekend.  I can’t believe it.  Haha, I am definitely not ready but thrilled for the experience.  I am fairly confident I will finish (where does this ego come from?!) and it would icing on the cake if I get a PR!  Haha, I would laugh but it would still be pretty rockin’!  I’m sure I’ll talk more about this later…

just some whining

Okay… beware… this first paragraph is going to be kind of whiney – sorry!  BUT guess what isn’t awesome?  My feet swelling in this %*@#! heat!  Great scott – I feel like I’m 80 yrs old!  I also bought new flippy flops today because I can’t find mine (yes, I know #firstworldproblems) and it was time for a new pair.  However, breaking in a pair with swollen feet hasn’t felt so good either.  I am currently sitting with my feet propped up and water by my side to help bring the swelling down.  I might even put on my compression socks!

not from today – actually it’s from earlier this week after some serious moving. my legs were killing me but a couple of hours in these puppies and I felt so much better!

I got my keys to my new office today!  Yippeee!  I went to check it out and to see what I needed.  I plan on moving some of my stuff over there this weekend since it will be yet another major move.  I need basically everything, except a desk so the list was fairly straightforward!  I also put in an order for an A/C unit – stat!  Why?  Because of this NUTTINESS!

why mother nature why?! oh and it’s actually cooled down a bit!

Alright, Mother Nature’s wrath aside, I am thrilled it’s Friday!  Yes, I know everyone feels this way but I’m really looking forward to this weekend.  I’ll be running, organizing – annnnd more of the same :)  Oh yes, and some pinning!  Can I tell you how addicted to Pinterest I am right now?  Ever since I discovered the “Home Decor” section I. CAN’T. STOP.  Not to mention, it makes me feel better when I’m anxious, haha.  The other day I caught myself thinking, “I just need to pin!”

Speaking of weird habits I am forming, I have been talking to myself so much lately!  Usually, I only do it when no one is around and quietly.  Now, I am having full on conversations out loud with people around and everything!  AAAKKK!  I really do think it’s product of all the chaos lately but still, I can see myself keeping this up if I am not careful!

Well, I certainly am feeling rambly today… I’ll leave with you a post of my cat since the rest of this makes me sound a bit off my rocker anyway so I might as well seal the “crazy cat lady” title.  Tomorrow I’ll be talking some trainin’ business, I promise!

simon found the recliner – I probably won’t ever get that chair back!